I am somewhat of an insomniac at times. Nothing like some people; I've never had to take any meds for it except the occasional Benadryl. But I go through phases of lying in bed for hours before going to sleep. I don't know why I've been thinking about this because, with 2 little ones (one who still gets up at least once a night), I usually fall asleep when my head hits the pillow. But it took me awhile to fall asleep last night, and I was thinking about how my insomnia is all about control. I hate that I have no control over when I fall asleep. And so, on those nights I can't sleep, I lie there and TRY to fall asleep, and that makes it so much worse. There was a week after Matt and I got married that I probably only got 8 hours of sleep the whole week! Some nights I didn't sleep at all. I was exhausted and emotional and frustrated. And then, after a lot of prayer, it went away. (Funny side story from that week: one of those nights, around 3am, I was tossing and turning, frustrated and angry. Matt muttered something and I THOUGHT he was awake. This was early on in marriage and BEFORE I knew about Matt's tendency to talk in his sleep. So anyway, I pour out my frustrations to him and ask him for a hug. And he rolls over and mutters something about a dog. I was like, What? And he said, "I can't get that dog to be quiet!" And then he rolled over and started snoozing away. Yep. My husband just referred to me as a noisy dog. We have laughed about that many times since that night.) So yeah, I'm kind of a control freak. Drives me crazy that in this area, I can never have control. I just stress like crazy about how I can't make myself fall asleep, how I won't even know when my body does enter a sleeping state. Crazy, isn't it? Don't know why I've been thinking about that.

Chloe had her 6 month appointment today. And the doc found a bilateral ear infection. Sooo... amoxicillin for her. Did I mention she also had to get 3 shots? Poor baby is tough. She's in the bed cooing happily right now. Brooke would have been screaming like crazy. In fact, she still screams when she has ear aches or shots. I can't imagine combining the two! Anyway, I was worried the doc was going to tell me that Chloe is delayed because she isn't rolling yet. Fortunately, he wasn't worried about it... said that because she's sitting well and has good head control that she might never roll. She might just go straight to pulling up. He did lecture me about her weight. But Chloe, though chubby at almost 20 lbs, is no where near where Brooke was at this age. The doc told me to cut Chloe off from her night feeding. I smiled and nodded my head with NO intention of doing that. I will stop her eventually. But I think if a 6 month old still wants a nighttime feeding, she's welcome to it. Plus, I love to cuddle my sleepy girl in my arms at night. With all the noise and chaos during the day, I so rarely get a chance to do that! My baby is growing up too fast.

Anyway, I'm off to spend some time reading my Bible to Chloe while Brooke is napping (or not napping as the case may be right now!) Hope everyone is well!

So another friend of mine blogged today, and it made me want to blog. Way to go, Janelle Holloway! If you are reading this, I want you to know that if Matt asks why dinner isn't made when he gets home, I'm blaming you!

Brooke is currently obsessed with Barney (yes, the purple dinosaur show). She wakes up saying, "Bar-e, Bar-e!" She stands on her tip-toes to reach the remotes so she can attempt to turn the show on. If she sees a picture of Barney around the house, it sends her into Barney mania. If I turn the show off before she's done watching it, she bursts into sobs. It would be humorous if Barney wasn't quite so annoying. But, alas, Matt and I go around singing Barney songs long after the kids go to bed. Oh, the life of a parent!

Also, Brooke is still my little climber. Couches, coffee tables, chairs... everything but the toddler climber we bought her for Christmas. I truly didn't think anything would be too scary to climb on. Apparently this climber is it! However, when I picked her up from the church nursery on Sunday, she was sprawled out across one of the tables. The workers told me she's there "resident climber." Great.

Chloe is sweet and angelic as always. She's so laid back that she doesn't care to pick up new skills. At 6 months, she's still not rolling. Although she can sit up, she doesn't really like to, so she fusses after 5 or 10 minutes. She can pick up toys but usually would just prefer to stare at them. One skill she picked up quickly is eating solid foods! She loves everything I've given her (apples, pears, sweet potatoes, and tonight carrots is on the menu for the first time!) She finishes EVERY bite, every time. I think she would give up nursing all together if she could. Today, I was eating lunch, and she stared at me with a pathetic, begging look on her face, smacking her little lips. I felt so bad that I decided to start giving her 2 meals a day rather than just one!

Matt and I got to escape from the kids on Saturday night and go on a date for our anniversary. It was so nice... I got to dress up, paint my nails, take a bath, and feel pretty. I have less than 5 pounds of baby weight to lose now, and currently only have one pair of jeans I can fit in. Not small enough for pre-pregnancy jeans, too small for transitional jeans. So if you see me wearing the same pair of pants every day, you'll know why (I do wash them occasionally!)

My New Years Resolution is to learn to love others more. The pastor at my church said something on Sunday that stuck with me: if I'm too busy to care about others, than I'm too busy. So true. I make the excuse not to get involved in other people's lives because, well, I'm the parent of 2 young kids, and that takes up all my time, and they'll understand. Blah, blah, blah. I feel like I'm a failure sometimes at balancing my life as a mother and my life as everything else. Some women bounce back into ministry and job with no issue. My life sometimes seems like it was put on hold when I became a parent. I've gotten better (thank you, Accountability Girls, for loving on me and getting me out of the house!) but I still have no ministry, no women's Bible study, no church small group. So anyway, hopefully, things will change this year, by God's grace. One thing that will help is the other New Year's Resolution that Matt and I both made this year: NO BABY IN 2012!! Yep, that's right. We're determined! (As if God ever has followed our plans before! :) )

And, speaking of Matt, Happy 3rd Anniversary to my wonderful, handsome husband! I waited so long for him and am so blessed to have him. Life is crazy but I wouldn't change it for all the world!

Off to spend time with the Father while the kids nap...

It's been so long since I've blogged. Usually during the kids naps (if they manage to nap at the same time), I'm running around like a mad woman trying to get the house cleaned. But today, I feel like ignoring the mess and spending some time typing about my life. Even if no one else reads this, for me it's like a diary (a very public diary) that I love to read back on and remember. So here goes.

 I love Christmas time. I love Christmas music, Christmas trees, Christmas shopping (how often do I get an excuse to shop?!), Christmas cookies, and everything else that comes with it. I look forward to checking the mail every day to see if I got any new Christmas cards. I want to make hot chocolate and watch snow fall every night (except I live in Arkansas). And I dread Christmas Day coming... because that means it's going to be over for another year. Is anyone else like this? To me, Christmas isn't a DAY but a season. I just enjoy so many things about this time of year. And, in years past, I've spent a lot of time stressing about having the best Christmas. So if something doesn't go as planned (my tree doesn't look right or my cards don't get out on time or my mashed potatoes are lumpy), I feel down. Isn't that crazy? I have such high expectation for this time of year that I can't handle any failure or disappointments. I've been trying to be better this year, and I feel much less stressed. One thing that has probably helped is that this is the first Christmas that I've been married and NOT pregnant. No hormonal craziness. I'm also trying to remember to put Jesus first. Ultimately, Christmas is not about a happy feeling but about the celebration of Christ's birth. And a reflection of His death. Wow. That's sobering. I'm trying to decide what I need to change in MY Christmas celebrations to honor Him more. And I'm struggling with whether to teach the kids about Santa Claus. I believed as a kid and have such good memories of writing letters to him and putting out Christmas cookies and thinking that if I lay in bed REALLY still, that I could hear reindeer footprints on the roof. But, at the same time, I don't want to take away from the kids what Christmas is really about (and Santa will always, always do this). Matt is very anti-Santa, so that may make the decision easy. Oh well. I'm just rambling now.

I am way into the discipline stage of raising Brooke. She loves to defy me and then smile that mischievous grin... which makes it SOOO hard to follow through with discipline. Sometimes I feel like I'm raising a good kid; other times I feel like I'm losing control. The big battle right now is her standing on the furniture (a big no-no around here.) She has figured out that when I'm nursing Chloe, I am pretty much stuck. So she feels free to stand on couches, coffee tables, and whatever else strikes her fancy. Argh! So annoying. So I have to unlatch Chloe, get up, and yank Brooke off whatever is her current diving board. Recently, I've just taken to putting on Sesame Street or Barney while I'm nursing which I HATE having to do, but it does the trick. Thank goodness, Chloe is a quick eater!

Chloe is still such an angel baby. My one complaint is that she thinks she needs to eat every 3-4 hours at night. If I let her fuss, she normally goes back to sleep. However, she's taken to, not just fussing, but YELLING across the house. So, I've been having to run across the house, half-asleep, running into walls, to keep her from waking up Brooke. It's quite intelligent of Chloe actually. Soft fussing--- negative. No food. Loud fussing-- SUCCESS! Instant food! Oh, I love that crafty, smiley little one! Now if she would just learn to roll over...

Weight loss is happening much slower this post-pregnancy. I had completely lost the weight when Brooke was 4 months old; Chloe is 5 months and I have 7 pounds to go. Still, I'm thankful that I have managed to lose steadily. I know some struggle for many months after delivering. I try to stick to 2,000 calories a day (equaling 1,500 for me, 500 for Chloe), and I'm up to jogging 1.5 -2 miles (depending on my motivation that day). My goal was to run the Jingle Bell 5K (last Saturday), but unfortunately, didn't get to because both kids were sick. So now, new goal: some 5K in the spring. Gives me more time to work up to jogging that last mile anyway.

Well, I must try to do something about the wreckage that is my house. Dishes, laundry, toys... you name it and it's out of place around here! :)  Hope everyone reading this is having a wonderful Christmas season!

I started reading another Francis Chan book tonight, called Forgotten God.  I have a love/hate relationship with Francis Chan books. I love them because they are so right; I hate them because they are so convicting. I realize how much I depend on the comforts of modern day civilization and not on God. I hate that about myself! Would I still love God if He took everything, like He did to Job? I'd like to say yes. And, honestly, I don't want to deal with the question, because I don't want to "tempt" God to try this on me. That's real honesty right there. I want the joy that comes from full surrender; I just want to skip the "full surrender" part. The thing is: I know what it means to be surrendered. I lived that way for one (amazing) semester of college. And, yes, it was probably the most wonderful 3 months of my life. Easy? No. But worth every sacrifice. So I want that back but I'm scared. Am I crazy? I think so. Having known intimacy with Jesus, I'm willing to give that up for a comfortable life. Jesus, forgive me for this!

So, obviously, God is working on my heart. Many of my friends know about the difficulties my family faced last month. Health problems, financial issues, and more hit us all in the same month. With Matt sick, I had to be the strong one for awhile. And it stunk! But God had so much grace and brought us through that time. We are healed, our bank account was fixed, and life has returned to normal. Matt and I give thanks to God for a miracle for there is no other explanation to Matt's fast recovery. I never want to take our health and strength for granted again. For 2 scary weeks, I contemplated what life would be like if Matt could not work, could not pick up the kids, etc. I had to rely on God and not Matt. That was difficult; I think I've learned to rely on Matt so much. He's my automatic source of comfort and strength now. I guess that's why Paul commented that singleness can be better than marriage because when you are single, your focus is completely on the Father. As a married woman, my focus is my husband and how to please him.

I still love being a mother to two. For me, the adjustment was much easier than adjusting to one. Maybe because I knew what to expect. Probably because Chloe is such an easy baby. She truly is a joy to raise. She smiles when you look at her and rarely cries. She sleeps well at night and naps on schedule during the day. I remember how paranoid I was when I found out I was pregnant with her and smile, because now I can't imagine life without her.

I've been struggling recently with measuring the "success" of my day by how much I accomplish. If I don't check off all the items on my to-do list for the day, I feel like I failed. Trying to remember that God's to-do list is probably different and definitely better than my own. And if those darn bath toys don't get cleaned until next week, it's not the end of the world, darn it! So often, I compare myself to other women by their statuses on facebook. If I don't keep up with all they manage to do in a day, than I must be a worse wife and mother than they are. Maybe if I'd turn off facebook for a little while, I'd be able to accomplish more. :)

And speaking of, it's late and I need to get up early for church tomorrow. Good night, Friends!

I don't have long to type, but I wanted to spend a few minutes typing some of the lessons I've learned since Chloe was born. I think I was supposed to learn them after Brooke but failed to do so. So God had to give me a second child one year later. :)

1) As the wife, I set the tone of the home. Someone said that at a Bible study I went to this week, and it really hit home. So if both kids are fussy and over-tired, Matt doesn't have to come home to a stressed out environment. If both kids are fussy and over-tired, and Matt walks in the door, and I throw the kids in his face, and say, "Here! I can't take it anymore!" (yes, I've done this) THEN I'm creating a stressful environment. I CHOOSE to have peace, joy, and rest in this home.

2) I cannot always make my kids happy (also something touched on at the Bible study but one I've been thinking about a lot since Chloe's birth). And why should I try? When they get older, the world is not going to go out if its way to make them happy. So if I let them live their first 5 or 10 years, always being happy, I'm not only spoiling them, I'm giving them a wrong view of life. My job is to train them, first of all, how to be followers of Christ, and second of all, how to be disciplined and loving women.

3) I've always felt a lot of guilt about being a "bad mother." I don't know why. If I don't feel like I'm spending ALL my time reading, playing, and loving on my children, then I feel that they are going to grow up lost and neglected. (Yeah, right... as if Brooke has been neglected a day in her life! She's spoiled rotten!) But God has shown me how to resolve my guilt. Put Him first and Matt second. Somehow when the kids are in the proper order in my priorities list, I realize that they don't need 100% of my attention. And letting them fuss while I prepare a meal for my family is GOOD for them. It's teaching them the importance of someday preparing meals for THEIR family. So bring on the fussing during cooking and laundry. I can take it!

4) Finally, (I think I've touched on this before in my blog), take joy in the good moments. When Brooke points out a "duck" and makes me laugh. When I get a jog, shower, and Bible reading in by 8am (like I did this morning). When Matt gives the dinner I've made a "10 out of 10." And in these moments, have joy and satisfaction with abandon... don't fret because tomorrow may not be as good. There are going to be good days and bad days, so rejoice in the good, and don't dwell on negative thoughts in the bad. After all, my kids are a BLESSING and a joy. I'm allowed to enjoy the times I'm sharing with them.

So I'm off to work on a casserole to stick in the fridge... makes lunch-after-church so much easier if it's already prepared. Hope these lessons are able to help another struggling SAH mom.

So life is starting to settle into some semblance of normalcy. A routine is starting to come together. Even in the midst of chaos, I'm starting to feel more at peace about having two kids. I don't panic when I have to take both of them out by myself. I can manage lunch dates and stroller rides and nap time without falling apart. So, thank you, Jesus, for that. It's amazing how every child is so unique... Brooke wanted to nurse herself to sleep. Even when she was done eating, she would "pacify" herself for hours if I would let her. Chloe finishes eating and pops off. And it took me several weeks to figure out that she wants to be rocked to sleep. Brooke HATED rocking even as a newborn. She preferred bouncing or any other form of movement. So anyway, the glider is now in the living room and is being utilized for what feels like hours every day. And mommy loves the cuddle time with my little girl. :)

I think one reason life seems easier now is that I had to deal with Brooke having shots, teething, and getting a sore throat... all in the span of two weeks. I couldn't figure out what happened to my normally happy little girl! She would wail for no reason and throw tantrums (the loud, high-pitched screaming, throw herself on the ground kind!) for every little thing that didn't go her way. It drove me crazy and made me feel so sad for her all at the same time! Poor Matt... I'm fairly sure he WANTED to spend 10 hours working every day... but work has been slow, and thus, he was forced to spend most of the day at home with Miss Drama Queen. Fortunately, his work seems to have picked up and Brooke seems to be all better. So life is good.

A couple nights ago, I woke up to Brooke wailing in her crib. It was 4:45am. So I went to check on her and found that she had somehow thrown her "blankie" overboard. She absolutely can NOT sleep without that ratty blanket. So I found Brooke on her hands and knees, staring through the slats of the crib, and sobbing while trying to reach her blankie. How sad is that?

This week, God is teaching me to be content no matter what the circumstance. My kids, my husband, my friends, my looks... none of these things can satisfy. I can only find contentment in my relationship with my Father. So cliche... we hear it all the time. But so true. If I look to Matt  for my fulfillment, I will be disappointed (not that he's not a great husband but he can't be my everything). If I determine my satisfaction by how much weight I lose in a week, then I will be disappointed (sometimes I want to throw my scale out the window in disgust). But God will never let me down. He's love, He's joy, He's peace... everything I need in this life. I'm not promised a perfect life; just a perfect God. So, yeah... life is good. :)

My firstborn is awake and playing patiently in her crib. Nap time was less than an hour and a half, but I will be content anyway (and will enforce an early bedtime). So I'm off to read My Cuddly Puppy for the ten thousandth time... and enjoy my Sunday of rest. Hope everyone reading this is enjoying their Sunday as well.

When Matt and I were engaged, we started reading through the Bible in a year together. We both were consistently having a "quiet time" separately; we just started reading the same passage each day. We actually have the list on the refrigerator. This keeps us accountable ("have you read your Bible today?") and also gives us the opportunity to discuss what God is teaching us. It's amazing how two people can read the same passage and hear something completely different!

Anyway, we've been reading through the Old Testament and something that keeps standing out to me is how often God mentions judgment due to not observing the Sabbath. Really, who DOES observe the Sabbath in this century? It's almost like the forgotten commandment. Yes, we go to church on Sunday morning (and maybe Sunday night), but the rest of the day is spent catching up on whatever didn't get done Saturday. Grocery shopping, yard work, dishes, laundry... the list goes on and on. And I don't really feel "guilty" about it; I don't really think about it at all. Maybe because I'm too busy to think about it. Matt and I discussed it last week; are we missing out on a blessing because we have too much to do to spend more time with God and family on Sunday? I mean, as much as God talks about it, it must be somewhat important to Him. Of course, He doesn't want us to be legalistic about it (as is mentioned many times in the New Testament). But because He tells us not to take it too far in the New Testament, does that mean we are supposed to ignore it all together? So Matt and I are taking it easy today. Instead of rushing to start a load of laundry, I'm spending some time blogging instead (something I enjoy but rarely have time for anymore). Not that we aren't doing any work... just not running around like crazy, trying to get everything done before Monday. And, yes, I know the Sabbath was initially Saturday. That's not the point... Christians after the Resurrection started observing on Sunday in respect of what Christ did for us. Other than this, any thoughts about how you guys spend Sunday? Anyone else feel convicted to slow down on Sundays and reflect on God and family? Just curious.

Soooo... pregnancy weight loss attempt #2. With Brooke, I gained 43 lb and lost it in 4 months. Two months after losing the weight, I became pregnant again (sigh... ) So with Chloe, I managed to pack on 49 lb. Yes, I admit it. I ate too many bags of chocolate chips and stopped at Sonic for one too many root beer floats (I craved those for some reason). So anyway, here I am 5 weeks out, and still in maternity pants. SOOOO frustrating. I've lost 26 lb; 23 lb to go. Matt likes to help motivate me; he bribes me with money. So if I lose the weight by Thanksgiving, he's giving me money for a new wardrobe. I'm sticking to a 2000 calorie diet (because I'm nursing, I get to eat more calories than most dieters), and I've started jogging again. I was too exhausted to even think about working out with this pregnancy, so I'm completely out of shape. Yesterday, I jogged/walked a mile and felt like puking. My goal is to run the jingle bell 5k this December. Yeah, I've got a long way to go. It feels so good to not be pregnant though. I feel energetic. I'm free of pain. Ohhhhh... it's so joyous to have my baby on the OUTSIDE now. I'd very much like to NOT get pregnant for a little while (ya hear that, God? No baby in 2012, please! :) ) 

Chloe is not the angel baby I first thought, but she is a wonderful night sleeper. She goes to bed around 10 or 11 (and she actually sleeps in her pack and play, NOT in her bouncy seat or car seat or swing!), wakes up around 3:30 to eat and then again around 7:30. Yes, I am blessed. Especially after Brooke who had her days and nights mixed up and would be up for 5 hours crying in the middle of the night. SOOOO nice. During the day, Chloe is a dream if she is being held. She just prefers not to be put down. Ever. Spoiled? Okay, maybe a little. I like to call her (affectionately, of course) my cranky old lady baby. She sleeps a lot. But when she's awake she's grumpy and temperamental and insistent on having her own way. But then she smiles at me, and I melt, and I give her whatever she wants anyway. You can't spoil a newborn, right? Yeah right. :)

So, I'm off to paint my toenails, I think. Happy Sabbath, Everyone!