Something I struggle with a lot: selfishness on weekends. Some horribly prideful imp inside of me tells me that because I've been so "sacrificial" and "serving" all week (after all, I've cleaned the showers, scrubbed the toilets, cooked meals, done laundry... all while taking care of a toddler AND being 32 weeks pregnant!), I should be able to have everything I want on Saturday and Sunday. Picture a lady of leisure, reclining on the sofa with her husband feeding her grapes and her children napping contentedly at her feet. Needless to say, this scenario has never been realized for me. So, on weekends, when Matt decides to go to a friend's house to play video games, or when Brooke's nap is cut short by the neighbor mowing his lawn, my prideful side signals my "depressed, woe-is-me" side to come out. And then I sulk because circumstances are not pleasing to ME. Well, I was horribly convicted today when reading Psalm 73, "Who have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire but You..." Yeah, if that were true in my life, I guess my emotions wouldn't be so dictated by my circumstances. But the truth is, there ARE things I desire on this earth besides Jesus. I desire comfort, enjoyment, relaxation at times. I desire laughter and fulfillment through relationships. I desire people to like me. There's nothing wrong with these things. But when they become the source of my contentment, then, yes, something is wrong. 

Well, today was a really good Saturday. Matt was home and a wonderful help around the house. Brooke took a decent nap and went to bed tonight without a fuss. We went to Logan's for dinner and then wandered Target afterwards (and Matt didn't complain once about my aimless shopping!) And tonight, I got to watch a chick flick while Matt finished up his paperwork. So today it was easy to take joy in my relationship with Jesus. It's tomorrow, when we're late to church, and Brooke cries the whole time in the nursery, and I have to fight crowds at Walmart to do my weekly grocery shopping that my conviction will be tested. So please help me, Jesus, to make You my one desire. Help me not to allow earthly desires to take my focus off of You!

I don't even know if those last paragraphs made sense... just ramblings that have been bouncing around my brain today. 

Chloe has the hiccups right now. It's so fun to feel those little bouncy convulsions and realize what I'm feeling. I felt them yesterday morning for the first time, and since then, have noticed them 4 or 5 times. I'm still so scared of what life is going to be like with 2 kids but I'm becoming more and more excited to meet this little one inside of me. She's very active like Brooke was. Especially at night. I love to watch little arms and legs flutter across my belly when she gets playful! I swear, Chloe and Brooke had their first fight the other day. I was reclining on my side next to Brooke, and she fell backwards right onto my belly. It freaked me out at first but it didn't really hurt so I figured Chloe was alright. Brooke then proceeded to stay sitting next to my belly, as I read to her. Chloe, who had been quiet before her sister landed on her, spent the next 10 minutes or so, kicking and punching like crazy against Brooke's back. Haha! Just wait until you come out Chloe... you won't stand a chance next to your big and VERY aggressive older sister!

Wow... it's after eleven, so I must go to bed. Church in the morning. Good night, All!

One thing I've noticed as a SAH mom: if I don't push myself hard enough, I feel lazy and guilty (not that Matt ever makes me feel like this; I do it to myself!). If I push myself too hard, I hurt the rest of the night (thank you, Pregnancy!)  So I guess I have to find a balance. Anyway, yesterday, I definitely pushed myself too hard. I was just in nesting mode, I guess, because I packed as much cleaning and laundry into the day as I could. Then, last night topped the cake. When Matt got off of work, we went on a walk (as we do almost every evening). It looked like rain, but I wanted to go anyway. So we started our normal one mile trek around the neighborhood, and when we were about 1/2 way done (at the farthest point from our house, of course), it started to rain. Just a drizzle at first, but I started to pick up the pace of my pregnancy waddle anyway. Then the drizzle turned to a downpour. Brooke was SO not impressed and let us know with loud wails (prissy little girl!). So I told Matt to run home. We must have been quite a sight: Matt sprinting, pushing a stroller, with a hysterical toddler, and 1/4 mile behind, me sopping wet and speed walking as fast as my pregnancy hugeness would allow. So Matt gets home and immediately puts Brooke in the carseat to drive around the block and come pick me up. What he doesn't know, is I've taken a side street so I could walk through our back yard (a short cut home). So as he is pulling away from our driveway, I'm now RUNNING (and huffing and puffing) through the back yard, waving my arms, yelling "MATT! STOP!") Of course, he doesn't hear me. So off he goes, closing the garage door behind him (there goes my shelter from the rain). So after about 3 or 4 minutes, he pulls back to the house and finds me standing huddled close to the house and laughing like a mad woman (I couldn't do anything but laugh at this point!) Matt had thought I'd fallen or been picked up by a loony so he was freaking out and proceeded to yell at me for taking a short cut (he apologized when sense took over). So we came in, changed out of our sopping clothes, and immediately after, it stopped raining. Great.  My hips and legs were torturing me for the rest of the night; Matt told me I sounded like an 80 year old woman every time I tried to stand or move. Brooke went to bed at 8:00 (very early for her), and I passed out on our still made bed soon after.

Today, Josiah and Maleah (my little siblings that my parents adopted from China) are having surgery. Both were born with cleft palate.  Josiah's was much worse, so he's having more reconstruction done on his lip today. Maleah is just having tubes put in her ears (a chronic problem for cleft children). Please pray for them, if you can (especially Josiah). It's so hard to watch a 5 and 4-year old have to recover from surgery! And pray for the sanity of my parents! I can't imagine having to watch my child go through all of this!

We bought new bedroom furniture over the weekend. You see, Chloe is getting our old dresser and we are buying new stuff for ourselves (yes, isn't that awful? :) )  I'm so excited for it to be delivered. I'm finally feeling like this house is my own. Of course, I am definitely slowing down my spending after this big purchase! But we got an awesome "Memorial Sale" deal so I can't complain.

http://www.furniturerow.com/BedroomExpressions/Hero-Bedroom-Group/Hero-4-Pc.-Queen-Group/prod390094/

For those who are wondering, no, we are not growing money trees in the backyard. All this decorating money is coming from a very large tax return we got this year. It's been nice to be able to spend without feeling guilty (well, too guilty that is!)

Anyway, I'd better get something done today. Hope everyone is well...

I laid Brooke down 20 minutes ago, and she's still in her crib playing. I just heard her say, "doggy" (which sounds more like "duh-e.") Considering she was falling asleep in her highchair during lunch 20 minutes ago, I don't know how she's holding strong in there. At least she's not crying... (yet).

Yesterday was one of those days where I spent the whole day feeling like a bad mother (do you guys have those days?). First, she slams her fingers in a cabinet. Then later that day, I stepped on her toes when she was crawling by. She developed a horrid diaper rash (after pooping 4 times in one day!), and then was hysterical whenever I  tried to change her. Her hair was greasy, and her white shirt had spaghetti sauce stains. And she was abnormally fussy, and I could NOT figure out why. On top of all this, I'm still fighting cold symptoms and felt stuffed up and nasty all day. And Chloe is making me feel like I have elephants ripping and straining my hips out of joint (Lovely!). So yeah... it was one of those days where I couldn't wait to put Brooke to bed, so I could... uhhh... pass out myself. Which I did by about 10:00.

Then today, I had an OB app't. I was feeling unusually unselfish so I told Matt he didn't have to go. (He's had a crazy week and hates to be put behind by these now every-other-week appointments).  Bad mistake! For some reason, even if strangers are ignoring Brooke, if  they are doing something to me (like taking my blood pressure), she becomes like a ma-ma bear protecting her cubs. So I'm in a chair, trying to remain relaxed so my blood pressure isn't through the roof, and Brooke is sitting in her stroller next to me, flailing and screaming bloody murder. Same when the doctor was dopplering my belly. Between these occasions, we were walking around the exam room for 30 minutes, WAITING for the doctor. Brooke was fussy and desperately trying to get out of my arms so she could crawl around on the nasty floor. And then I spilled yogurt all in my diaper bag. No more unselfish mornings for me! I admit, I cannot go to OB appointments alone!

Quiet over the monitor... blessed quiet! It's an early nap (I might regret that around 6:00 tonight), but at least for now, peace. Why didn't anyone tell me toddlers were so much work?!  :)

Besides all this craziness, I was reminded through talking to a couple friends yesterday, both of whom are having trials, how difficult life can be, and how much we are dependent on God's grace. Sometimes the trials are seemingly minor (like chicken pox... shout out to you if you are reading this, Faith). Sometimes they are major like infertility problems. And I was reminded to cry out to God in the hard moments and to sing to God in praise in the good ones. Yesterday was not all bad. I laughed like crazy when I picked Brooke up out of the shower (a second time), soaking wet, and confused (I don't know why she insists on climbing in there.)  Matt (being the wonderful man he is) saw the state I was in when he got home from work and proceeded to say, "so... where do you want to go to dinner?" (Bless you, Matt!) We ended up trying a new italian place in town and had a great time. I managed to not order anything off the internet all day (of course, that may have been due to lack of time... energy... motivation...whatever). And I went to the revenue office to renew Matt's tags on his car and was in and out in 20 minutes (a new record!) So praise God for the blessings. And continue to pray for grace and wisdom in the difficult moments. He is good... and earth is fleeting. Maybe those difficult moments are to remind us of a day where "every tear shall be wiped away." Imagine, constant, abiding job, for all eternity! Thank you, Jesus!

It was a rough weekend. Brooke got sick (again!) on Thursday. Friday morning, she woke up shaking, crying, with a fever of 102. So we took her to the doctor... again. I thought it was a relapse of the ear infection she had a week ago. Turns out, her ears looked fine but her throat was red and blistered. It was a virus, so no antibiotics. Lasted 3 days; yesterday she was much better and, for the first time, didn't require any ibuprofen to keep her comfortable. Now, today, I woke up sick. Ick! This morning, I was just lying around, willing it to be "naptime" for Brooke so that I could nap. Finally, I took 2 tylenol and went out shopping (the ultimate cure for all ails). I am definitely nesting! Poor Matt. Everything I want; I buy. This is not like me. I'm usually very frugal (which is why I've lived in this house 2 years w/o really decorating anything). But now, it's like I can't help myself. If I'm not out shopping, I'm online shopping. Fortunately, we got a good tax return that Matt is letting me use to decorate. But he still cringes at some of the things I decide to buy ("yes, Matt, the pink flowered piggy bank IS really necessary to complete Brooke's room!")

Sometimes, I tend to go overboard on things. I mean, what is it that made me decide that I needed to decorate the whole house NOW? I haven't really worried about it, other than to buy occasional pieces of furniture when they went on sale, for 2 years. I think Satan can really use my tendency of going overboard to draw me away from Jesus. Yes, I admit, sometimes I choose to search amazon over spending time with God. I've been debating recently, on "how far is too far"... nothing wrong with decorating, but is this really how God wants me to spend all my time/money?  We donate a lot of our income (Matt is extremely generous with his finances), but we could give more. Do I really need those monkey wall hangings for Chloe's room? Don't those tornado survivors in Alabama or the starving kids on the front of World Vision's envelopes need it more? (Side note: World Vision gives a good guilt trip on every piece of mail they send.)  This is where my mind has been the last few days. So maybe I need a shopping fast. Just to refocus and reflect on the fact that I'm spending GOD'S money (it's ultimately all His anyway), and I will be held responsible for how I use that money.

Incidentally, Matt told me recently, he wants to reread the Dave Ramsey book Total Money Makeover. I told him that's fine; just give me about a week's notice beforehand, so I can finish shopping first. :)

Matt is so crazy busy at work recently. Sometimes, I hate his job! But I want to be encouraging; I want him to find a place of peace at home after a very LONG day at work. And I'm so thankful that he's making enough money so that I can stay home. So many husbands pressure their wives into working because they "need" that extra income (and in some cases, that's true!) But I'm so fortunate I have a husband that encourages me to stay home and is willing to work a job that is not his "dream," so that I can live out mine. How unselfish is that!? I guess I've just been hit this week but how fortunate I am to be married to him. He took Friday off to help me with Brooke (I was so exhausted I could hardly function), and he spent much of the weekend doing chores around the house to make my life easier. He didn't get to mowing the lawn though, so please look away if you drive by my house this week. I told him, it's okay for now. He'll know if he's let it get too long, when he sees ME out mowing!

Okay, I think I'm off to take a nap now. Laundry can wait...

II Samuel 22:30

I have not been able to sleep the last several nights. Partly, this is because of 3rd trimester irritations (discomfort, constant feeling of having to go to the bathroom, etc...), and partly, because I am scared to death, and that fear is keeping me awake.  I am scared to death of what life is going to be like with another baby. When I first found out I was pregnant again, 9 months seemed like a long time. But now 10 weeks seems so very short! Brooke is basically still a baby herself... she's not even attempted to walk yet! What am I going to do with a newborn? Plus, it seems like I'm just finally able to keep a clean house, get all my responsibilities taken care of, and be a good mother to Brooke. And with #2 coming, I know I'll be starting over with that feeling of not being able to get anything done.  Ugh!!!

Yes, I am excited about meeting Chloe... of course! I feel her kick and I can't help but get that maternal instinct of "this is my little girl, playing around inside of me." But I guess I fear not being able to handle two. I think a lot of this feeling is because Brooke was such a difficult newborn. She had terrible colic. She did nothing but cry for the first 2 months of her life. Sometimes she was up for 5 hours in the middle of the night screaming. She was a terrible sleeper. I couldn't put her down... she would immediately wake up. All she wanted to do was nurse. So I nursed her... ALL THE TIME! And so I worry how I'm going to care for Brooke (who I know is going to have problems with jealousy) if Chloe is this time-consuming. Please God... may Chloe be a more content baby!

Also, I worry about what to do with Brooke while I am in the hospital. She has severe separation/stranger anxiety. Because of this, I have never left her for more than 2 hours. I hate leaving, knowing she is going to scream hysterically and refuse to eat. So what am I going to do while I'm in labor? Of course, my parents are willing to watch her, but I'll spend my whole time in labor, worrying about Brooke. Boy, that sounds like fun! But then, how can I bring her with us and expect Matt to be able to watch an active toddler and also be there for me? Also not fun. So therein is my dilemma. I am praying I will go into labor around 10:00 at night (right after Brooke goes to bed), so my mom can just come over here while she sleeps. If my labor with Chloe is just as fast as with Brooke, Chloe will be here by morning. Then Matt can go get Brooke and the crisis will be averted. How's that for a specific prayer? I'm even considering asking my OB if she will induce me at night... yeah, right!

Anyway, in the midst of all this fear, a "still, small voice" in the back of my head is whispering, "Trust." That voice was backed up by my Bible reading this morning in II Samuel 22:30: "With your help, I can advance against a troop; with my God, I can scale a wall." Okay, I don't plan to scale any walls anytime soon (I'll deal with my fear of falling later!). But maybe I can rephrase that verse with these words: "With your help, I can deal with 2 babies together: a high maintenance newborn and a jealous toddler; with my God, I can deal with crying, lack of sleep, and a disastrous house!" Yes, He is here. He created this baby. He knows what I can handle. He can take care of Brooke while I'm in labor. He can give me wisdom on raising these 2 little ones that He's entrusted to my care.

I can't say that I will sleep peacefully every night for the next 10 weeks. But I can say that I have a big God. A God who's interested in changing me to become more like Him through every circumstance He leads me into. In the meantime, I'd appreciate prayer from my friends out there! Sorry this is so long... guess I needed to get this out!

Off to continue my "nesting"...

P.S. Despite how difficult she was, Brooke was adorable! She was just hours old in this picture. Who would guess she'd spent a majority of those hours showing us what a strong set of lungs she had?!

I will win this battle!

Today is a high-fuss day. Brooke's crankiness is definitely affecting my crankiness. Matt chose not to come home for lunch today, and that was probably a wise move. :)  So, yeah, Brooke seemed REALLY sleepy around 11:00. Eleven is too early for naptime-- I know this! But I put her down anyway, because I didn't want her to get over-tired. That's when the battle started. She cried and fussed and boo-hooed in her crib for 20 min before I decided to give up and try later. But that was only the beginning of the fussiness. Fuss over her toys, fuss because I wouldn't let her pull my new runner off the table, fuss because I clipped her bib on so she couldn't throw it on the floor, eat a grape, fuss, eat a grape, fuss... you get the picture! So now she's back in bed. Quiet for the moment. I will win this round. She WILL take a nap. For my sanity's sake, if nothing else!

Last night, I was going to make a big dinner: homemade baked chicken nuggets and homemade baked french fries. Healthy, kid-friendly... what else could the family want? So I peeled and cut my potatoes, seasoned them, and put them in the oven. Then I mixed up my breading and pulled the chicken out of the fridge. You know when chicken gets that weird smell?... when you're not quite sure if it's bad or you're just imagining things? Yeah, that was the case with this chicken. So I threw it out and tried to think of something else that goes with fries. Manwiches... yeah, that will work! So I take out some ground beef and make up my homemade sauce. Drat! The buns are stale! Okay, regular wheat bread will have to do. So finally, dinner is done and looks semi presentable. I mix up some meat and fries for Brooke and give her a bite (she liked this last time I gave it to her). She eats it... success! I give her another bite... and she spits it out and throws it on the floor. I put some on her tray for her to pick up (sometimes she just wants to do it herself. ) Manwiches overboard. It's now 6:00 and I have accountability at 6:30. So I hurriedly feed her a yogurt and some pureed carrots and rush out the door. Poor Matt... the kitchen is a disaster! Have I mentioned what a good husband I have? The kitchen was almost completely clean when I got home! And then he told me she spit up twice and he'd cleaned it up. Well, as I'm about to put her in bed last night, I find out she'd spit up on her "blankie," Matt had washed it, and forgotten to put it in the dryer. And, with a couple poorly worded sentences, I made him feel like a failure for not having her blanket completely ready for bed! God, please forgive me for not being the encouragement I could be in Matt's life. I mean, come on, he watched Brooke for 2 hours and cleaned up a mess and a half from my attempt to make dinner (speaking of failing!) Man, I have a lot to learn on becoming a good wife and mother!

Well, it's still quiet over the monitor, so I guess I have officially won! Brooke, may you take a long nap and wake up the happy baby that I'm used to. Hope everyone out in the blog world is well.

Shopping and other random things

I woke up feeling energy-less and not ready to start the week. To make it worse, Brooke woke up at 7:30 (about an hour earlier than usual), which made it so I didn't have time to shower or clean up the breakfast mess. I hate starting a Monday feeling behind. I managed to shower and clean up the breakfast dishes; meanwhile, Brooke made a mess of EVERY room of the house. So I gave up... I left the mess alone and went to Target. Shopping is therapeutic for me when I'm stressed or down! I think I must be nesting because I'm badly wanting to finish decorating my house. I came home with rugs for the guest bathroom and a runner for the dining room table. Matt is SO not impressed with the runner. If it's not practical, then he thinks it's not needed in the house. But he's tolerating it because I told him that it made me happy. :)  I grew up in a house where everything was decorated perfectly (and was always clean and organized). Now I live with a man that doesn't care too much about decorating ("why did you buy new rugs for the bathroom? There was a rug in there." --yeah, that thin, cheap, tan rug really matched our black and white decor.) But we compromise well, and he puts up with my occasional splurges.  I'm very blessed to be married to him!

Saturday was my official last day to nurse Brooke. The boppy is away! The nursing bras are gone! (sorry for the details... I'm very excited about this!) Yes, I know I'm going to start over soon. But I feel like I've passed a big milestone with Brooke. She's no longer a baby... quickly becoming a toddler. Plus, because she never took a bottle or a pacifier, I'm done weaning. Give her "blankie" and put her in bed with "Lamb-y," "Mr. Bear," and "Pooh," and she puts herself to sleep. Such a good feeling!

On to more serious issues... so yesterday, Matt and I officially joined New Life Church. Yes, I enjoy the church, but I'm still sad about leaving Summit. Even now, I sometimes dream about going back. But then I remember how hard it was to get involved, living 25 miles away, with a toddler that doesn't like to be restrained in a carseat. I remember how hard it was for Matt to invite co-workers ("hey, you want to come to church with me Sunday? Oh, by the way, it's a 30 min drive.") And so I'm reminded why we did it. But then, right after we turned in the official paperwork to join, we sit down for yesterday's sermon.. and it's being preached by the pastor's WIFE! Okay, it's for Mother's Day. It's specifically for women. But it still made Matt and I uncomfortable. How far will the church go to be trendy? I don't want answers or disparaging comments from people. I know this is a hot-button issue and I have facebook friends on all sides of the "fundamental" to "evangelical" spectrum. I'm just being honest about how I feel, and what I'm facing. We prayed before we joined. Matt felt a peace; I felt increasing peace (maybe because Matt is comfortable there and I respect him as my spiritual leader). Everything we've seen from the church so far has been Biblical. They have always been solid on what I consider black and white issues. So, Matt and I determined to pray, to not become automatically judgmental, and continue to trust that God led us to New Life for a reason. We just started volunteering in the nursery, so it's hard to leave now. And I really do want to be able to get involved in a local church... despite that fact, that I've been attending New Life for 9 months and have yet to get involved.  Hopefully, soon...

Okay, laundry is calling, so I'm off. Hope everyone who reads this is well!

First birthday party

Too tired to think tonight so here's just a few pictures from Brooke's party. We all had a great time! Thanks all who came. Brooke is now asleep and I'll be headed that way soon!

First blog post

I've always wanted to start a blog. It's like a diary online, only the whole world can read my thoughts. I thought I'd blog when I was pregnant with Brooke, but it never happened. Then, after Brooke was born, I thought for sure I would start a blog. Nope. So now, Brooke is a year old and I'm 6 1/2 months pregnant with my second born (to be named Chloe Allison). And I'm starting a blog. And I have no idea what to write about!

My desire is not to have a blog where my whole life appears perfect (it's not.) I want to share my thoughts and be real and be an encouragement to others through my own struggles as a wife and SAH mom. I know I am extremely blessed. I'm so thankful that Matt makes enough money so that I can stay home with Brooke (and soon, Chloe). It was a lifelong dream of mine to be home with my kids, as my mom was for my brother and me. I love staying home, but it comes with its share of struggles. Loneliness, isolation, too much Seseme Street... (yes, I occasionally let my one-year-old watch Seseme Street... so sue me!) I've always been a quiet person, and now that I stay home, I think there is a temptation to totally isolate myself. I have very few "mom" friends, we've recently begun attending a new church (New Life in Conway which is overwhelmingly huge!) and I feel like my life revolves around "nap time." The last thing I want is for Brooke to miss a nap! This week, I was thinking about how fortunate I am to have time during the day to pray for the people God brings in my life, and at the same time, was asking God why He doesn't allow more people in my life so I can pray for them and minister to them. And then it dawned on me: I don't pray enough for the people God HAS brought into my life. So that has been my goal this week. I'm spending time praying for my family and my accountability girls (if any of you girls are reading this... just want you to know, I'm so thankful for you!). And as I pray for them, I want to keep up with them more... and so I isolate myself less.

"Mommy-hood" is definitely, by far, the most wonderfully frustrating job ever. This week has been good; last week was bad; next week... who knows what's in store? This week I'm weaning Brooke from nursing. It's going surprisingly smoothly. Since she was a newborn, she's been nursed to sleep. Over the last 2 months, I've weaned her from all nursings, except before nap/bedtime. And I've dreaded the transition from "nursing to sleep" to "self-soothing" (you Moms know what I'm talking about!) But she's been a trooper about falling asleep on her own. Usually about 20 min of play-fussing, then blessed quiet. I'm down to nursing only before bed... another week or so, DONE! For a couple months anyway. I spent a lot of time stressing about nursing Brooke to sleep over the past year. The experts all say, "Let your baby learn to self-soothe!" But now, looking back, the only thing I regret, is the amount of worry I dealt with. I loved the cuddle-times I got nursing her to sleep, and now I love the free time I get not nursing. So I would do it all over... without stressing. (And I'll get that chance very soon!)

Anyway, I think I hear stirring so naptime must be coming to a close. Must get dinner started!...