II Samuel 22:30

I have not been able to sleep the last several nights. Partly, this is because of 3rd trimester irritations (discomfort, constant feeling of having to go to the bathroom, etc...), and partly, because I am scared to death, and that fear is keeping me awake.  I am scared to death of what life is going to be like with another baby. When I first found out I was pregnant again, 9 months seemed like a long time. But now 10 weeks seems so very short! Brooke is basically still a baby herself... she's not even attempted to walk yet! What am I going to do with a newborn? Plus, it seems like I'm just finally able to keep a clean house, get all my responsibilities taken care of, and be a good mother to Brooke. And with #2 coming, I know I'll be starting over with that feeling of not being able to get anything done.  Ugh!!!

Yes, I am excited about meeting Chloe... of course! I feel her kick and I can't help but get that maternal instinct of "this is my little girl, playing around inside of me." But I guess I fear not being able to handle two. I think a lot of this feeling is because Brooke was such a difficult newborn. She had terrible colic. She did nothing but cry for the first 2 months of her life. Sometimes she was up for 5 hours in the middle of the night screaming. She was a terrible sleeper. I couldn't put her down... she would immediately wake up. All she wanted to do was nurse. So I nursed her... ALL THE TIME! And so I worry how I'm going to care for Brooke (who I know is going to have problems with jealousy) if Chloe is this time-consuming. Please God... may Chloe be a more content baby!

Also, I worry about what to do with Brooke while I am in the hospital. She has severe separation/stranger anxiety. Because of this, I have never left her for more than 2 hours. I hate leaving, knowing she is going to scream hysterically and refuse to eat. So what am I going to do while I'm in labor? Of course, my parents are willing to watch her, but I'll spend my whole time in labor, worrying about Brooke. Boy, that sounds like fun! But then, how can I bring her with us and expect Matt to be able to watch an active toddler and also be there for me? Also not fun. So therein is my dilemma. I am praying I will go into labor around 10:00 at night (right after Brooke goes to bed), so my mom can just come over here while she sleeps. If my labor with Chloe is just as fast as with Brooke, Chloe will be here by morning. Then Matt can go get Brooke and the crisis will be averted. How's that for a specific prayer? I'm even considering asking my OB if she will induce me at night... yeah, right!

Anyway, in the midst of all this fear, a "still, small voice" in the back of my head is whispering, "Trust." That voice was backed up by my Bible reading this morning in II Samuel 22:30: "With your help, I can advance against a troop; with my God, I can scale a wall." Okay, I don't plan to scale any walls anytime soon (I'll deal with my fear of falling later!). But maybe I can rephrase that verse with these words: "With your help, I can deal with 2 babies together: a high maintenance newborn and a jealous toddler; with my God, I can deal with crying, lack of sleep, and a disastrous house!" Yes, He is here. He created this baby. He knows what I can handle. He can take care of Brooke while I'm in labor. He can give me wisdom on raising these 2 little ones that He's entrusted to my care.

I can't say that I will sleep peacefully every night for the next 10 weeks. But I can say that I have a big God. A God who's interested in changing me to become more like Him through every circumstance He leads me into. In the meantime, I'd appreciate prayer from my friends out there! Sorry this is so long... guess I needed to get this out!

Off to continue my "nesting"...

P.S. Despite how difficult she was, Brooke was adorable! She was just hours old in this picture. Who would guess she'd spent a majority of those hours showing us what a strong set of lungs she had?!