It's been so long since I've blogged. Usually during the kids naps (if they manage to nap at the same time), I'm running around like a mad woman trying to get the house cleaned. But today, I feel like ignoring the mess and spending some time typing about my life. Even if no one else reads this, for me it's like a diary (a very public diary) that I love to read back on and remember. So here goes.
I love Christmas time. I love Christmas music, Christmas trees, Christmas shopping (how often do I get an excuse to shop?!), Christmas cookies, and everything else that comes with it. I look forward to checking the mail every day to see if I got any new Christmas cards. I want to make hot chocolate and watch snow fall every night (except I live in Arkansas). And I dread Christmas Day coming... because that means it's going to be over for another year. Is anyone else like this? To me, Christmas isn't a DAY but a season. I just enjoy so many things about this time of year. And, in years past, I've spent a lot of time stressing about having the best Christmas. So if something doesn't go as planned (my tree doesn't look right or my cards don't get out on time or my mashed potatoes are lumpy), I feel down. Isn't that crazy? I have such high expectation for this time of year that I can't handle any failure or disappointments. I've been trying to be better this year, and I feel much less stressed. One thing that has probably helped is that this is the first Christmas that I've been married and NOT pregnant. No hormonal craziness. I'm also trying to remember to put Jesus first. Ultimately, Christmas is not about a happy feeling but about the celebration of Christ's birth. And a reflection of His death. Wow. That's sobering. I'm trying to decide what I need to change in MY Christmas celebrations to honor Him more. And I'm struggling with whether to teach the kids about Santa Claus. I believed as a kid and have such good memories of writing letters to him and putting out Christmas cookies and thinking that if I lay in bed REALLY still, that I could hear reindeer footprints on the roof. But, at the same time, I don't want to take away from the kids what Christmas is really about (and Santa will always, always do this). Matt is very anti-Santa, so that may make the decision easy. Oh well. I'm just rambling now.
I am way into the discipline stage of raising Brooke. She loves to defy me and then smile that mischievous grin... which makes it SOOO hard to follow through with discipline. Sometimes I feel like I'm raising a good kid; other times I feel like I'm losing control. The big battle right now is her standing on the furniture (a big no-no around here.) She has figured out that when I'm nursing Chloe, I am pretty much stuck. So she feels free to stand on couches, coffee tables, and whatever else strikes her fancy. Argh! So annoying. So I have to unlatch Chloe, get up, and yank Brooke off whatever is her current diving board. Recently, I've just taken to putting on Sesame Street or Barney while I'm nursing which I HATE having to do, but it does the trick. Thank goodness, Chloe is a quick eater!
Chloe is still such an angel baby. My one complaint is that she thinks she needs to eat every 3-4 hours at night. If I let her fuss, she normally goes back to sleep. However, she's taken to, not just fussing, but YELLING across the house. So, I've been having to run across the house, half-asleep, running into walls, to keep her from waking up Brooke. It's quite intelligent of Chloe actually. Soft fussing--- negative. No food. Loud fussing-- SUCCESS! Instant food! Oh, I love that crafty, smiley little one! Now if she would just learn to roll over...
Weight loss is happening much slower this post-pregnancy. I had completely lost the weight when Brooke was 4 months old; Chloe is 5 months and I have 7 pounds to go. Still, I'm thankful that I have managed to lose steadily. I know some struggle for many months after delivering. I try to stick to 2,000 calories a day (equaling 1,500 for me, 500 for Chloe), and I'm up to jogging 1.5 -2 miles (depending on my motivation that day). My goal was to run the Jingle Bell 5K (last Saturday), but unfortunately, didn't get to because both kids were sick. So now, new goal: some 5K in the spring. Gives me more time to work up to jogging that last mile anyway.
Well, I must try to do something about the wreckage that is my house. Dishes, laundry, toys... you name it and it's out of place around here! :) Hope everyone reading this is having a wonderful Christmas season!
Friday, December 9, 2011
Saturday, October 22, 2011
I started reading another Francis Chan book tonight, called Forgotten God. I have a love/hate relationship with Francis Chan books. I love them because they are so right; I hate them because they are so convicting. I realize how much I depend on the comforts of modern day civilization and not on God. I hate that about myself! Would I still love God if He took everything, like He did to Job? I'd like to say yes. And, honestly, I don't want to deal with the question, because I don't want to "tempt" God to try this on me. That's real honesty right there. I want the joy that comes from full surrender; I just want to skip the "full surrender" part. The thing is: I know what it means to be surrendered. I lived that way for one (amazing) semester of college. And, yes, it was probably the most wonderful 3 months of my life. Easy? No. But worth every sacrifice. So I want that back but I'm scared. Am I crazy? I think so. Having known intimacy with Jesus, I'm willing to give that up for a comfortable life. Jesus, forgive me for this!
So, obviously, God is working on my heart. Many of my friends know about the difficulties my family faced last month. Health problems, financial issues, and more hit us all in the same month. With Matt sick, I had to be the strong one for awhile. And it stunk! But God had so much grace and brought us through that time. We are healed, our bank account was fixed, and life has returned to normal. Matt and I give thanks to God for a miracle for there is no other explanation to Matt's fast recovery. I never want to take our health and strength for granted again. For 2 scary weeks, I contemplated what life would be like if Matt could not work, could not pick up the kids, etc. I had to rely on God and not Matt. That was difficult; I think I've learned to rely on Matt so much. He's my automatic source of comfort and strength now. I guess that's why Paul commented that singleness can be better than marriage because when you are single, your focus is completely on the Father. As a married woman, my focus is my husband and how to please him.
I still love being a mother to two. For me, the adjustment was much easier than adjusting to one. Maybe because I knew what to expect. Probably because Chloe is such an easy baby. She truly is a joy to raise. She smiles when you look at her and rarely cries. She sleeps well at night and naps on schedule during the day. I remember how paranoid I was when I found out I was pregnant with her and smile, because now I can't imagine life without her.
I've been struggling recently with measuring the "success" of my day by how much I accomplish. If I don't check off all the items on my to-do list for the day, I feel like I failed. Trying to remember that God's to-do list is probably different and definitely better than my own. And if those darn bath toys don't get cleaned until next week, it's not the end of the world, darn it! So often, I compare myself to other women by their statuses on facebook. If I don't keep up with all they manage to do in a day, than I must be a worse wife and mother than they are. Maybe if I'd turn off facebook for a little while, I'd be able to accomplish more. :)
And speaking of, it's late and I need to get up early for church tomorrow. Good night, Friends!
So, obviously, God is working on my heart. Many of my friends know about the difficulties my family faced last month. Health problems, financial issues, and more hit us all in the same month. With Matt sick, I had to be the strong one for awhile. And it stunk! But God had so much grace and brought us through that time. We are healed, our bank account was fixed, and life has returned to normal. Matt and I give thanks to God for a miracle for there is no other explanation to Matt's fast recovery. I never want to take our health and strength for granted again. For 2 scary weeks, I contemplated what life would be like if Matt could not work, could not pick up the kids, etc. I had to rely on God and not Matt. That was difficult; I think I've learned to rely on Matt so much. He's my automatic source of comfort and strength now. I guess that's why Paul commented that singleness can be better than marriage because when you are single, your focus is completely on the Father. As a married woman, my focus is my husband and how to please him.
I still love being a mother to two. For me, the adjustment was much easier than adjusting to one. Maybe because I knew what to expect. Probably because Chloe is such an easy baby. She truly is a joy to raise. She smiles when you look at her and rarely cries. She sleeps well at night and naps on schedule during the day. I remember how paranoid I was when I found out I was pregnant with her and smile, because now I can't imagine life without her.
I've been struggling recently with measuring the "success" of my day by how much I accomplish. If I don't check off all the items on my to-do list for the day, I feel like I failed. Trying to remember that God's to-do list is probably different and definitely better than my own. And if those darn bath toys don't get cleaned until next week, it's not the end of the world, darn it! So often, I compare myself to other women by their statuses on facebook. If I don't keep up with all they manage to do in a day, than I must be a worse wife and mother than they are. Maybe if I'd turn off facebook for a little while, I'd be able to accomplish more. :)
And speaking of, it's late and I need to get up early for church tomorrow. Good night, Friends!
Saturday, September 3, 2011
I don't have long to type, but I wanted to spend a few minutes typing some of the lessons I've learned since Chloe was born. I think I was supposed to learn them after Brooke but failed to do so. So God had to give me a second child one year later. :)
1) As the wife, I set the tone of the home. Someone said that at a Bible study I went to this week, and it really hit home. So if both kids are fussy and over-tired, Matt doesn't have to come home to a stressed out environment. If both kids are fussy and over-tired, and Matt walks in the door, and I throw the kids in his face, and say, "Here! I can't take it anymore!" (yes, I've done this) THEN I'm creating a stressful environment. I CHOOSE to have peace, joy, and rest in this home.
2) I cannot always make my kids happy (also something touched on at the Bible study but one I've been thinking about a lot since Chloe's birth). And why should I try? When they get older, the world is not going to go out if its way to make them happy. So if I let them live their first 5 or 10 years, always being happy, I'm not only spoiling them, I'm giving them a wrong view of life. My job is to train them, first of all, how to be followers of Christ, and second of all, how to be disciplined and loving women.
3) I've always felt a lot of guilt about being a "bad mother." I don't know why. If I don't feel like I'm spending ALL my time reading, playing, and loving on my children, then I feel that they are going to grow up lost and neglected. (Yeah, right... as if Brooke has been neglected a day in her life! She's spoiled rotten!) But God has shown me how to resolve my guilt. Put Him first and Matt second. Somehow when the kids are in the proper order in my priorities list, I realize that they don't need 100% of my attention. And letting them fuss while I prepare a meal for my family is GOOD for them. It's teaching them the importance of someday preparing meals for THEIR family. So bring on the fussing during cooking and laundry. I can take it!
4) Finally, (I think I've touched on this before in my blog), take joy in the good moments. When Brooke points out a "duck" and makes me laugh. When I get a jog, shower, and Bible reading in by 8am (like I did this morning). When Matt gives the dinner I've made a "10 out of 10." And in these moments, have joy and satisfaction with abandon... don't fret because tomorrow may not be as good. There are going to be good days and bad days, so rejoice in the good, and don't dwell on negative thoughts in the bad. After all, my kids are a BLESSING and a joy. I'm allowed to enjoy the times I'm sharing with them.
So I'm off to work on a casserole to stick in the fridge... makes lunch-after-church so much easier if it's already prepared. Hope these lessons are able to help another struggling SAH mom.
1) As the wife, I set the tone of the home. Someone said that at a Bible study I went to this week, and it really hit home. So if both kids are fussy and over-tired, Matt doesn't have to come home to a stressed out environment. If both kids are fussy and over-tired, and Matt walks in the door, and I throw the kids in his face, and say, "Here! I can't take it anymore!" (yes, I've done this) THEN I'm creating a stressful environment. I CHOOSE to have peace, joy, and rest in this home.
2) I cannot always make my kids happy (also something touched on at the Bible study but one I've been thinking about a lot since Chloe's birth). And why should I try? When they get older, the world is not going to go out if its way to make them happy. So if I let them live their first 5 or 10 years, always being happy, I'm not only spoiling them, I'm giving them a wrong view of life. My job is to train them, first of all, how to be followers of Christ, and second of all, how to be disciplined and loving women.
3) I've always felt a lot of guilt about being a "bad mother." I don't know why. If I don't feel like I'm spending ALL my time reading, playing, and loving on my children, then I feel that they are going to grow up lost and neglected. (Yeah, right... as if Brooke has been neglected a day in her life! She's spoiled rotten!) But God has shown me how to resolve my guilt. Put Him first and Matt second. Somehow when the kids are in the proper order in my priorities list, I realize that they don't need 100% of my attention. And letting them fuss while I prepare a meal for my family is GOOD for them. It's teaching them the importance of someday preparing meals for THEIR family. So bring on the fussing during cooking and laundry. I can take it!
4) Finally, (I think I've touched on this before in my blog), take joy in the good moments. When Brooke points out a "duck" and makes me laugh. When I get a jog, shower, and Bible reading in by 8am (like I did this morning). When Matt gives the dinner I've made a "10 out of 10." And in these moments, have joy and satisfaction with abandon... don't fret because tomorrow may not be as good. There are going to be good days and bad days, so rejoice in the good, and don't dwell on negative thoughts in the bad. After all, my kids are a BLESSING and a joy. I'm allowed to enjoy the times I'm sharing with them.
So I'm off to work on a casserole to stick in the fridge... makes lunch-after-church so much easier if it's already prepared. Hope these lessons are able to help another struggling SAH mom.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
So life is starting to settle into some semblance of normalcy. A routine is starting to come together. Even in the midst of chaos, I'm starting to feel more at peace about having two kids. I don't panic when I have to take both of them out by myself. I can manage lunch dates and stroller rides and nap time without falling apart. So, thank you, Jesus, for that. It's amazing how every child is so unique... Brooke wanted to nurse herself to sleep. Even when she was done eating, she would "pacify" herself for hours if I would let her. Chloe finishes eating and pops off. And it took me several weeks to figure out that she wants to be rocked to sleep. Brooke HATED rocking even as a newborn. She preferred bouncing or any other form of movement. So anyway, the glider is now in the living room and is being utilized for what feels like hours every day. And mommy loves the cuddle time with my little girl. :)
I think one reason life seems easier now is that I had to deal with Brooke having shots, teething, and getting a sore throat... all in the span of two weeks. I couldn't figure out what happened to my normally happy little girl! She would wail for no reason and throw tantrums (the loud, high-pitched screaming, throw herself on the ground kind!) for every little thing that didn't go her way. It drove me crazy and made me feel so sad for her all at the same time! Poor Matt... I'm fairly sure he WANTED to spend 10 hours working every day... but work has been slow, and thus, he was forced to spend most of the day at home with Miss Drama Queen. Fortunately, his work seems to have picked up and Brooke seems to be all better. So life is good.
A couple nights ago, I woke up to Brooke wailing in her crib. It was 4:45am. So I went to check on her and found that she had somehow thrown her "blankie" overboard. She absolutely can NOT sleep without that ratty blanket. So I found Brooke on her hands and knees, staring through the slats of the crib, and sobbing while trying to reach her blankie. How sad is that?
This week, God is teaching me to be content no matter what the circumstance. My kids, my husband, my friends, my looks... none of these things can satisfy. I can only find contentment in my relationship with my Father. So cliche... we hear it all the time. But so true. If I look to Matt for my fulfillment, I will be disappointed (not that he's not a great husband but he can't be my everything). If I determine my satisfaction by how much weight I lose in a week, then I will be disappointed (sometimes I want to throw my scale out the window in disgust). But God will never let me down. He's love, He's joy, He's peace... everything I need in this life. I'm not promised a perfect life; just a perfect God. So, yeah... life is good. :)
My firstborn is awake and playing patiently in her crib. Nap time was less than an hour and a half, but I will be content anyway (and will enforce an early bedtime). So I'm off to read My Cuddly Puppy for the ten thousandth time... and enjoy my Sunday of rest. Hope everyone reading this is enjoying their Sunday as well.
I think one reason life seems easier now is that I had to deal with Brooke having shots, teething, and getting a sore throat... all in the span of two weeks. I couldn't figure out what happened to my normally happy little girl! She would wail for no reason and throw tantrums (the loud, high-pitched screaming, throw herself on the ground kind!) for every little thing that didn't go her way. It drove me crazy and made me feel so sad for her all at the same time! Poor Matt... I'm fairly sure he WANTED to spend 10 hours working every day... but work has been slow, and thus, he was forced to spend most of the day at home with Miss Drama Queen. Fortunately, his work seems to have picked up and Brooke seems to be all better. So life is good.
A couple nights ago, I woke up to Brooke wailing in her crib. It was 4:45am. So I went to check on her and found that she had somehow thrown her "blankie" overboard. She absolutely can NOT sleep without that ratty blanket. So I found Brooke on her hands and knees, staring through the slats of the crib, and sobbing while trying to reach her blankie. How sad is that?
This week, God is teaching me to be content no matter what the circumstance. My kids, my husband, my friends, my looks... none of these things can satisfy. I can only find contentment in my relationship with my Father. So cliche... we hear it all the time. But so true. If I look to Matt for my fulfillment, I will be disappointed (not that he's not a great husband but he can't be my everything). If I determine my satisfaction by how much weight I lose in a week, then I will be disappointed (sometimes I want to throw my scale out the window in disgust). But God will never let me down. He's love, He's joy, He's peace... everything I need in this life. I'm not promised a perfect life; just a perfect God. So, yeah... life is good. :)
My firstborn is awake and playing patiently in her crib. Nap time was less than an hour and a half, but I will be content anyway (and will enforce an early bedtime). So I'm off to read My Cuddly Puppy for the ten thousandth time... and enjoy my Sunday of rest. Hope everyone reading this is enjoying their Sunday as well.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
When Matt and I were engaged, we started reading through the Bible in a year together. We both were consistently having a "quiet time" separately; we just started reading the same passage each day. We actually have the list on the refrigerator. This keeps us accountable ("have you read your Bible today?") and also gives us the opportunity to discuss what God is teaching us. It's amazing how two people can read the same passage and hear something completely different!
Anyway, we've been reading through the Old Testament and something that keeps standing out to me is how often God mentions judgment due to not observing the Sabbath. Really, who DOES observe the Sabbath in this century? It's almost like the forgotten commandment. Yes, we go to church on Sunday morning (and maybe Sunday night), but the rest of the day is spent catching up on whatever didn't get done Saturday. Grocery shopping, yard work, dishes, laundry... the list goes on and on. And I don't really feel "guilty" about it; I don't really think about it at all. Maybe because I'm too busy to think about it. Matt and I discussed it last week; are we missing out on a blessing because we have too much to do to spend more time with God and family on Sunday? I mean, as much as God talks about it, it must be somewhat important to Him. Of course, He doesn't want us to be legalistic about it (as is mentioned many times in the New Testament). But because He tells us not to take it too far in the New Testament, does that mean we are supposed to ignore it all together? So Matt and I are taking it easy today. Instead of rushing to start a load of laundry, I'm spending some time blogging instead (something I enjoy but rarely have time for anymore). Not that we aren't doing any work... just not running around like crazy, trying to get everything done before Monday. And, yes, I know the Sabbath was initially Saturday. That's not the point... Christians after the Resurrection started observing on Sunday in respect of what Christ did for us. Other than this, any thoughts about how you guys spend Sunday? Anyone else feel convicted to slow down on Sundays and reflect on God and family? Just curious.
Soooo... pregnancy weight loss attempt #2. With Brooke, I gained 43 lb and lost it in 4 months. Two months after losing the weight, I became pregnant again (sigh... ) So with Chloe, I managed to pack on 49 lb. Yes, I admit it. I ate too many bags of chocolate chips and stopped at Sonic for one too many root beer floats (I craved those for some reason). So anyway, here I am 5 weeks out, and still in maternity pants. SOOOO frustrating. I've lost 26 lb; 23 lb to go. Matt likes to help motivate me; he bribes me with money. So if I lose the weight by Thanksgiving, he's giving me money for a new wardrobe. I'm sticking to a 2000 calorie diet (because I'm nursing, I get to eat more calories than most dieters), and I've started jogging again. I was too exhausted to even think about working out with this pregnancy, so I'm completely out of shape. Yesterday, I jogged/walked a mile and felt like puking. My goal is to run the jingle bell 5k this December. Yeah, I've got a long way to go. It feels so good to not be pregnant though. I feel energetic. I'm free of pain. Ohhhhh... it's so joyous to have my baby on the OUTSIDE now. I'd very much like to NOT get pregnant for a little while (ya hear that, God? No baby in 2012, please! :) )
Chloe is not the angel baby I first thought, but she is a wonderful night sleeper. She goes to bed around 10 or 11 (and she actually sleeps in her pack and play, NOT in her bouncy seat or car seat or swing!), wakes up around 3:30 to eat and then again around 7:30. Yes, I am blessed. Especially after Brooke who had her days and nights mixed up and would be up for 5 hours crying in the middle of the night. SOOOO nice. During the day, Chloe is a dream if she is being held. She just prefers not to be put down. Ever. Spoiled? Okay, maybe a little. I like to call her (affectionately, of course) my cranky old lady baby. She sleeps a lot. But when she's awake she's grumpy and temperamental and insistent on having her own way. But then she smiles at me, and I melt, and I give her whatever she wants anyway. You can't spoil a newborn, right? Yeah right. :)
So, I'm off to paint my toenails, I think. Happy Sabbath, Everyone!
Friday, July 29, 2011
Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep him in perfect peace, him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You."
This is what I keep repeating to myself today. It's been a hard day. Actually it's been a hard week. Life in general is just hard right now. My perfect angel baby has decided to wake up and show her true self. I knew there was no way Matt and I could produce a laid-back off-spring! Okay, she's still a LOT easier than Brooke was. So between the two of them, this is how my week has been. Chloe is fussy in the mornings until she falls asleep at around noon. So I end up spending a lot of that time holding and rocking and nursing her. So Brooke is jealous of all the time I spend with Chloe. So she clings on to my legs and whines and cries. Finally, I'll get Chloe to sleep and lay her down, only to have her wake up and scream (yes, she has a much louder wail than I first thought!) I let her scream awhile so I can spend a few one on one moments with Brooke. Then I pick up Chloe and we start over again. Finally Chloe passes out from exhaustion around noon. Brooke goes to bed around one... but she's been fighting her naps since Chloe came home. It usually takes an hour of fussing and crying for her to pass out. Then I get to run around, pick up the breakfast dishes, shower, fold laundry, etc until Brooke wakes up about an hour and a half later. Chloe is usually passed out the rest of the afternoon. I struggle to wake her up for her feedings. She then goes into a lighter sleep at night time and wakes me up every 2-4 hours to eat. Most of the time she goes back to bed but sometimes I'm up with her an hour or more. So craziness. I'm tired. But I keep repeating to myself that the Proverbs 31 woman has strength and dignity. I WILL keep going; I will not break down (too often!). God is good, and He won't give me more than I can handle. And these early, difficult days will not last forever!
So to end, I want to praise God for the good things that have happened this week. Thank you, God, for all the meals delivered. It saved us a lot of money because I sure would have been sending Matt for take-out! Thank-you for the joy I got watching Brooke put together a puzzle by herself today (it was one of the simple ones with the picture of the puzzle piece underneath the piece, but it still brought me joy to watch how smart she is!). Thank you for "girl time" last night when my neighbor came by to hang out and chat (she has an 8 month old and is pregnant, so we can relate!) Thank you for the sleep I have gotten, and the warm water in the showers that I do get to take, and the cups of sweet tea that make my afternoon just a little better. Thank you for Matt, he's the best husband and father a girl could ask for. And thank you for my 2 beautiful, healthy girls. I love them so much and despite how difficult they are making my life right now, I wouldn't change a thing. You are good, God, and I love you and I trust you to get me through this time.
So, I need to go inform Brooke (who's crying in her crib) that it's nap time now and, no, she's not getting up. For the 4th day in a row. Thanks to all who are praying for me.
This is what I keep repeating to myself today. It's been a hard day. Actually it's been a hard week. Life in general is just hard right now. My perfect angel baby has decided to wake up and show her true self. I knew there was no way Matt and I could produce a laid-back off-spring! Okay, she's still a LOT easier than Brooke was. So between the two of them, this is how my week has been. Chloe is fussy in the mornings until she falls asleep at around noon. So I end up spending a lot of that time holding and rocking and nursing her. So Brooke is jealous of all the time I spend with Chloe. So she clings on to my legs and whines and cries. Finally, I'll get Chloe to sleep and lay her down, only to have her wake up and scream (yes, she has a much louder wail than I first thought!) I let her scream awhile so I can spend a few one on one moments with Brooke. Then I pick up Chloe and we start over again. Finally Chloe passes out from exhaustion around noon. Brooke goes to bed around one... but she's been fighting her naps since Chloe came home. It usually takes an hour of fussing and crying for her to pass out. Then I get to run around, pick up the breakfast dishes, shower, fold laundry, etc until Brooke wakes up about an hour and a half later. Chloe is usually passed out the rest of the afternoon. I struggle to wake her up for her feedings. She then goes into a lighter sleep at night time and wakes me up every 2-4 hours to eat. Most of the time she goes back to bed but sometimes I'm up with her an hour or more. So craziness. I'm tired. But I keep repeating to myself that the Proverbs 31 woman has strength and dignity. I WILL keep going; I will not break down (too often!). God is good, and He won't give me more than I can handle. And these early, difficult days will not last forever!
So to end, I want to praise God for the good things that have happened this week. Thank you, God, for all the meals delivered. It saved us a lot of money because I sure would have been sending Matt for take-out! Thank-you for the joy I got watching Brooke put together a puzzle by herself today (it was one of the simple ones with the picture of the puzzle piece underneath the piece, but it still brought me joy to watch how smart she is!). Thank you for "girl time" last night when my neighbor came by to hang out and chat (she has an 8 month old and is pregnant, so we can relate!) Thank you for the sleep I have gotten, and the warm water in the showers that I do get to take, and the cups of sweet tea that make my afternoon just a little better. Thank you for Matt, he's the best husband and father a girl could ask for. And thank you for my 2 beautiful, healthy girls. I love them so much and despite how difficult they are making my life right now, I wouldn't change a thing. You are good, God, and I love you and I trust you to get me through this time.
So, I need to go inform Brooke (who's crying in her crib) that it's nap time now and, no, she's not getting up. For the 4th day in a row. Thanks to all who are praying for me.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Birth story, part 2
My first thought after I had Chloe was, "boy, that baby is small!" After my 9 lb, 8 oz first born, this baby seemed TINY! She was 8 lb, 4 oz, and 19 in long (Brooke was 21 in). She actually fit in newborn clothes! Brooke never once wore a newborn sized outfit. The next thing I remember thinking was that she had such a delicate little cry compared to Brooke's full fledged scream. Don't get me wrong!... Chloe can throw a screaming fit... just not at the same decibel that Brooke did (does).
I tried nursing Chloe right away, and gave it a good attempt for 30 min, but she just couldn't figure out the whole latch on and suck technique. Finally the nursery nurse came and told me they had to take her for awhile to bathe her and such. It was at least an hour before my delivery nurse came in and told me that "Chloe was having a little trouble with her breathing and her blood sugar." Yeah... heart sink to my toes. The nurse went on to tell me that she was grunting a lot and her blood sugar was in the 30s, so the nursery nurses had to give her a bottle of formula. She was "probably" fine but they wanted to observe her for awhile. Not on oxygen and O2 sats just fine. So another hour goes by and finally they bring Chloe back. Her blood sugar levels are now fine but still grunting. Long story short: over the course of the night, they took her back and forth to the nursery for "observation" 3 or 4 times. Finally by morning, they decided that the grunting was just Chloe's little baby noises and nothing to worry about. Her O2 sats were 100% the whole time. So praise God for that... I had myself convinced she had a congenital heart defect (they kept hooking her up to EKG's to make sure everything was okay).
The other stand out from this delivery was the discrepancies about feeding. Chloe basically slept for the first 24 hours of her life. I couldn't get her to nurse. When she finally DID wake up to nurse, I didn't have enough milk (colostrum) to satisfy. So I supplemented with formula through a syringe. The nursery nurses frowned on me because they thought it best to supplement with a bottle (but couldn't tell me why it was best). The lactation nurse frowned on me for supplementing at all ("your milk will not come in well. And besides, your body makes plenty of colostrum to satisfy a newborn"... yeah, right. Tell that to a screaming, rooting Chloe!) Finally, I just told everyone that I had to make my own decisions about what was best for Chloe, and I felt this was best. And my milk DID come in! And she DID finally learn how to latch on and suck. And she regained almost all her birth weight by her 1 week appointment. So I'm glad this time around, I made up my own mind and didn't stress about what everyone around me was instructing me to do.
As for being a mother of two, I love it! I've adjusted much better than I expected. Chloe is an angel, and Brooke loves her. And in the difficult moments (like today when Brooke screamed hysterically about taking a nap), I remind myself that my joy is in the Lord. And that every moment won't be difficult just because this moment is. Thanks for everyone who has prayed for us and supported us as we've been adjusting. I'll write more later... Matt just got home so I'm off to kiss him hello! Bye for now...
I tried nursing Chloe right away, and gave it a good attempt for 30 min, but she just couldn't figure out the whole latch on and suck technique. Finally the nursery nurse came and told me they had to take her for awhile to bathe her and such. It was at least an hour before my delivery nurse came in and told me that "Chloe was having a little trouble with her breathing and her blood sugar." Yeah... heart sink to my toes. The nurse went on to tell me that she was grunting a lot and her blood sugar was in the 30s, so the nursery nurses had to give her a bottle of formula. She was "probably" fine but they wanted to observe her for awhile. Not on oxygen and O2 sats just fine. So another hour goes by and finally they bring Chloe back. Her blood sugar levels are now fine but still grunting. Long story short: over the course of the night, they took her back and forth to the nursery for "observation" 3 or 4 times. Finally by morning, they decided that the grunting was just Chloe's little baby noises and nothing to worry about. Her O2 sats were 100% the whole time. So praise God for that... I had myself convinced she had a congenital heart defect (they kept hooking her up to EKG's to make sure everything was okay).
The other stand out from this delivery was the discrepancies about feeding. Chloe basically slept for the first 24 hours of her life. I couldn't get her to nurse. When she finally DID wake up to nurse, I didn't have enough milk (colostrum) to satisfy. So I supplemented with formula through a syringe. The nursery nurses frowned on me because they thought it best to supplement with a bottle (but couldn't tell me why it was best). The lactation nurse frowned on me for supplementing at all ("your milk will not come in well. And besides, your body makes plenty of colostrum to satisfy a newborn"... yeah, right. Tell that to a screaming, rooting Chloe!) Finally, I just told everyone that I had to make my own decisions about what was best for Chloe, and I felt this was best. And my milk DID come in! And she DID finally learn how to latch on and suck. And she regained almost all her birth weight by her 1 week appointment. So I'm glad this time around, I made up my own mind and didn't stress about what everyone around me was instructing me to do.
As for being a mother of two, I love it! I've adjusted much better than I expected. Chloe is an angel, and Brooke loves her. And in the difficult moments (like today when Brooke screamed hysterically about taking a nap), I remind myself that my joy is in the Lord. And that every moment won't be difficult just because this moment is. Thanks for everyone who has prayed for us and supported us as we've been adjusting. I'll write more later... Matt just got home so I'm off to kiss him hello! Bye for now...
Friday, July 15, 2011
Birth story
I love reading about women's birth stories so here was mine (warning--it could get graphic for those with weak stomachs :) )
Last Wednesday, I had my 38 week ob appt. I was 4cm dilated, so the ob stripped my membranes. Not a fun procedure, I found out. (Incidentally, she told me what she was doing AFTER she was done). So my ob tells me I am almost for sure to go into labor in 1-2 days, oh, and by the way, if you want, I can send you to L&D now. Ummmm... yeah. Try to be faced with that decision. Hey, I know you aren't in labor, but you want to have this baby today? I looked at her blankly, and she said, "Why don't you think about it tonight and if you have any uncomfort or cramping tomorrow, just come to the L&D and I'll admit you." So I had STRONG contractions all night and I was sure I was going to go into labor at any minute. And they all just DISAPPEARED by morning. Talk about disappointing! Matt and I decided to head up to the L&D anyway (heck, why not?), so we got up, showered, dropped Brooke off with my parents, and headed to the hospital. Yeah, so the triage nurse looked at me like I was crazy. No labor, no contractions. Will you admit me? Oh, and the L&D was FULL! So I was stuck in a little holding area, separated from other actively laboring women by a curtain. The nurse checked me and called my ob. I could hear her trying to talk my ob into sending me home. But bless my doc, she told them to admit me! You see, she was leaving on vacation in 2 days and wanted to deliver me before she left. And she knew with me being 4cm dilated, and with my first labor being so fast, that when I did go into labor, I would probably not make it to the hospital in time for my epidural. Call me a wimp, but I'm all about a pain-free labor! Okay, so now the question is, am I willing to have pitocin started and labor behind the thin blue curtain?... or did I want to walk around and wait for a room to open up? I was worried about how Brooke was dealing with being away from me all day, so I told them to start-er-up. Then I sent out texts to my closest friends, telling them I was admitted, and please pray for a room to open up. This is probably the coolest thing God did during my labor experience. Within a few minutes, the nurse came in and told me they had a room! Apparently they were saving the room for a direct admit, but the lady was taking her time getting to the hospital, so they gave her room to me! So into my new room I go. Pitocin is started at 12:30, admission questions are asked, and an hour later, my contractions are KILLING! Dr Holland comes in, breaks my bag of water, and checks me. Yeah, it's been an hour and I'm now 7cm dilated! So they call for anesthesia and I get my epidural. It's smooth sailing from here on out. After another hour, I'm feeling like my butt is going to explode (any woman 10cm dilated with an epidural knows the feeling!) so I call the nurse. She checks me, and sure enough, I'm ready to push. She calls the doc, I push maybe 4 times, and out pops little, SCREAMING, Chloe Allison Schrand. She screamed before her body even exited mine. Healthy little lungs! And speaking of, she's making little squawking sounds now, so I'd better go nurse her before she shows off those little lungs. I'll finish with part 2 later...
Last Wednesday, I had my 38 week ob appt. I was 4cm dilated, so the ob stripped my membranes. Not a fun procedure, I found out. (Incidentally, she told me what she was doing AFTER she was done). So my ob tells me I am almost for sure to go into labor in 1-2 days, oh, and by the way, if you want, I can send you to L&D now. Ummmm... yeah. Try to be faced with that decision. Hey, I know you aren't in labor, but you want to have this baby today? I looked at her blankly, and she said, "Why don't you think about it tonight and if you have any uncomfort or cramping tomorrow, just come to the L&D and I'll admit you." So I had STRONG contractions all night and I was sure I was going to go into labor at any minute. And they all just DISAPPEARED by morning. Talk about disappointing! Matt and I decided to head up to the L&D anyway (heck, why not?), so we got up, showered, dropped Brooke off with my parents, and headed to the hospital. Yeah, so the triage nurse looked at me like I was crazy. No labor, no contractions. Will you admit me? Oh, and the L&D was FULL! So I was stuck in a little holding area, separated from other actively laboring women by a curtain. The nurse checked me and called my ob. I could hear her trying to talk my ob into sending me home. But bless my doc, she told them to admit me! You see, she was leaving on vacation in 2 days and wanted to deliver me before she left. And she knew with me being 4cm dilated, and with my first labor being so fast, that when I did go into labor, I would probably not make it to the hospital in time for my epidural. Call me a wimp, but I'm all about a pain-free labor! Okay, so now the question is, am I willing to have pitocin started and labor behind the thin blue curtain?... or did I want to walk around and wait for a room to open up? I was worried about how Brooke was dealing with being away from me all day, so I told them to start-er-up. Then I sent out texts to my closest friends, telling them I was admitted, and please pray for a room to open up. This is probably the coolest thing God did during my labor experience. Within a few minutes, the nurse came in and told me they had a room! Apparently they were saving the room for a direct admit, but the lady was taking her time getting to the hospital, so they gave her room to me! So into my new room I go. Pitocin is started at 12:30, admission questions are asked, and an hour later, my contractions are KILLING! Dr Holland comes in, breaks my bag of water, and checks me. Yeah, it's been an hour and I'm now 7cm dilated! So they call for anesthesia and I get my epidural. It's smooth sailing from here on out. After another hour, I'm feeling like my butt is going to explode (any woman 10cm dilated with an epidural knows the feeling!) so I call the nurse. She checks me, and sure enough, I'm ready to push. She calls the doc, I push maybe 4 times, and out pops little, SCREAMING, Chloe Allison Schrand. She screamed before her body even exited mine. Healthy little lungs! And speaking of, she's making little squawking sounds now, so I'd better go nurse her before she shows off those little lungs. I'll finish with part 2 later...
Monday, July 4, 2011
Happy 4th of July everyone! You know you are a mother when, instead of enjoying the fireworks everyone is setting off in the neighborhood, you lie in bed and stress that it's going to wake up your kid(s). Fortunately, Brooke slept peacefully through all the "booms" going on around her, and mommy got a good night's sleep too. A blessing this late in pregnancy!
I thought for sure I was going into labor last night. Contractions 8-10 min apart for about an hour. I was so hopeful! Matt was at the theater watching Transformers with his friend Gleb and I almost texted him to come home. It was a good think I didn't because the contractions went away (sigh...) But, on a positive note, I get to make potato salad and celebrate Independence Day with friends tonight. Love it!
Lots of pain in the lives of many of my friends recently. Lots of prayers being lifted up for all of you. I'm so thankful for the friendships God has brought into my life. God is teaching me so much about prayer and faith. I am not a good "prayer warrior." (Cheesy phrase). I believe God CAN work miracles; I just have a hard time believing He WILL a lot of times. The little prayers ("God, please help Brooke to sleep well tonight"... I believe He will answer those). But the bigger prayers, I go into sometimes with a skeptical heart. I guess because I have seen so much pain and suffering despite praying. But that's where faith comes in. Knowing that God CAN and WILL, but trusting that sometimes our desires are not His best for our lives. Anyway, our pastor preached on this yesterday, and it hit me between the eyes because I had just messaged my accountability group about this very thing! I love when God directs sermons specifically to my heart!
I'm actually really getting excited to meet this little girl inside of me. She's an active one... I think she's as ready to stretch her little legs as I'm ready to get her out of my rib cage! Every time I see a newborn now, I get happy warm fuzzies. Can't wait to hold Chloe in my arms!
Well, Brooke is "uh-uh-uh"-ing in there so I must go get her out of her crib and feed her some breakfast. Everyone stay safe and enjoy!
I thought for sure I was going into labor last night. Contractions 8-10 min apart for about an hour. I was so hopeful! Matt was at the theater watching Transformers with his friend Gleb and I almost texted him to come home. It was a good think I didn't because the contractions went away (sigh...) But, on a positive note, I get to make potato salad and celebrate Independence Day with friends tonight. Love it!
Lots of pain in the lives of many of my friends recently. Lots of prayers being lifted up for all of you. I'm so thankful for the friendships God has brought into my life. God is teaching me so much about prayer and faith. I am not a good "prayer warrior." (Cheesy phrase). I believe God CAN work miracles; I just have a hard time believing He WILL a lot of times. The little prayers ("God, please help Brooke to sleep well tonight"... I believe He will answer those). But the bigger prayers, I go into sometimes with a skeptical heart. I guess because I have seen so much pain and suffering despite praying. But that's where faith comes in. Knowing that God CAN and WILL, but trusting that sometimes our desires are not His best for our lives. Anyway, our pastor preached on this yesterday, and it hit me between the eyes because I had just messaged my accountability group about this very thing! I love when God directs sermons specifically to my heart!
I'm actually really getting excited to meet this little girl inside of me. She's an active one... I think she's as ready to stretch her little legs as I'm ready to get her out of my rib cage! Every time I see a newborn now, I get happy warm fuzzies. Can't wait to hold Chloe in my arms!
Well, Brooke is "uh-uh-uh"-ing in there so I must go get her out of her crib and feed her some breakfast. Everyone stay safe and enjoy!
Friday, June 17, 2011
My relationship with Jesus
I've been wanting to share about the story of my relationship with Jesus on this blog all week, but just haven't been sure how to go about doing it. I don't want it to sound cheesy or preachy... just honest. And I hope that some one may come to have a relationship with Jesus, because of His conviction, through my words. (Certainly not due to my words as I can't convict anyone of their need for Him.) So here goes...
I was raised in a conservative, Christian home and brought to church all my life. I was probably 6 or 7 the first time I remember hearing that I needed to "ask Jesus in my heart" to "be saved." My Sunday School teacher presented the message, and though I remember her being intimidating, and I remember her wearing Princess Leia braids (hey, it was the mid 80s!), I am thankful for her faithfulness in teaching that class of young-sters. That night, I prayed that Jesus would forgive me of my sins and "come into my heart." I didn't have a good understanding of what I was doing, but I believe I was sincere. I became baptized at 9 years old through my own decision.
Through my teen years, I struggled with a lot of doubts about whether I was going to heaven. I would struggle and agonize, and then pray the prayer of salvation all over again, to "make sure." I was young and still didn't truly understand what it meant to be a Christian. How did I know if this prayer "took"? These doubts followed me into college... and that's where I truly fell in love with Jesus for the first time.
It was my junior year, second semester. I still remember the night, the service, so clearly. The campus church I attended was having it's semester-ly "revival services." Sounds silly, but Jesus met me there that night. I don't remember what was being preached on. But there was a voice in my head that instructed me to start really, I don't know, LISTENING to Jesus. Focusing on Him. Not just reading the Bible, but concentrating on it to find out what He wanted to say to me. And that semester, I fell in love with Him. This kind of love is not weird or cultish... it is true Christianity. So much more than religion, so much more than a set of rules; it is a relationship with the Creator of the universe. For the first time, I understand what it meant that Jesus died for ME. I understand how dark and horrible my sins were and how much I needed a Savior to take my sins away. I understood that Christianity was not just a prayer ("please, Lord, forgive my sins and come into my heart... amen"). It was a decision on my behalf to believe that I was saved by Jesus' blood, not by any works that I could preform. Through Jesus' grace, through His death. He didn't have to die! He chose to die because He loved me. And then 3 days later, He rose again, conquering sin and death for ME!
I also learned something else that semester. Even though I was "saved" (from hell) through grace alone (not due to any good actions on my part), true salvation IS followed by life-change. When I chose to accept Jesus as my Savior (from sin and death and hell), I exchanged my sin, my flesh, and my desires for His will. And, though I'm far from perfect, (as I'm sure Matt and everyone close to me could tell you), I know that I live more according to His will today than I did. Salvation is immediate but life-change is a process. I fail. But I have a loving Savior that always forgives, always picks me up, always loves. Thank you, Jesus.
http://vimeo.com/25012543
I hope that link works. If anyone reading this would like to know more about what I said, please listen to this sermon that my pastor preached on Sunday.
I was raised in a conservative, Christian home and brought to church all my life. I was probably 6 or 7 the first time I remember hearing that I needed to "ask Jesus in my heart" to "be saved." My Sunday School teacher presented the message, and though I remember her being intimidating, and I remember her wearing Princess Leia braids (hey, it was the mid 80s!), I am thankful for her faithfulness in teaching that class of young-sters. That night, I prayed that Jesus would forgive me of my sins and "come into my heart." I didn't have a good understanding of what I was doing, but I believe I was sincere. I became baptized at 9 years old through my own decision.
Through my teen years, I struggled with a lot of doubts about whether I was going to heaven. I would struggle and agonize, and then pray the prayer of salvation all over again, to "make sure." I was young and still didn't truly understand what it meant to be a Christian. How did I know if this prayer "took"? These doubts followed me into college... and that's where I truly fell in love with Jesus for the first time.
It was my junior year, second semester. I still remember the night, the service, so clearly. The campus church I attended was having it's semester-ly "revival services." Sounds silly, but Jesus met me there that night. I don't remember what was being preached on. But there was a voice in my head that instructed me to start really, I don't know, LISTENING to Jesus. Focusing on Him. Not just reading the Bible, but concentrating on it to find out what He wanted to say to me. And that semester, I fell in love with Him. This kind of love is not weird or cultish... it is true Christianity. So much more than religion, so much more than a set of rules; it is a relationship with the Creator of the universe. For the first time, I understand what it meant that Jesus died for ME. I understand how dark and horrible my sins were and how much I needed a Savior to take my sins away. I understood that Christianity was not just a prayer ("please, Lord, forgive my sins and come into my heart... amen"). It was a decision on my behalf to believe that I was saved by Jesus' blood, not by any works that I could preform. Through Jesus' grace, through His death. He didn't have to die! He chose to die because He loved me. And then 3 days later, He rose again, conquering sin and death for ME!
I also learned something else that semester. Even though I was "saved" (from hell) through grace alone (not due to any good actions on my part), true salvation IS followed by life-change. When I chose to accept Jesus as my Savior (from sin and death and hell), I exchanged my sin, my flesh, and my desires for His will. And, though I'm far from perfect, (as I'm sure Matt and everyone close to me could tell you), I know that I live more according to His will today than I did. Salvation is immediate but life-change is a process. I fail. But I have a loving Savior that always forgives, always picks me up, always loves. Thank you, Jesus.
http://vimeo.com/25012543
I hope that link works. If anyone reading this would like to know more about what I said, please listen to this sermon that my pastor preached on Sunday.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
The definition of true love
I don't know why I was thinking about this in bed last night. I have always heard the saying, "True love is not a feeling; it's a decision." I would have said that I believed this statement before getting married. But I did not fully comprehend it's meaning until after marriage. Dating is such a highly emotional time of life. During that time, I woke up thinking of Matt, and I went to bed analyzing everything he said that day. I wanted to do things to make him happy all the time. I thought about him at work. I talked about him to everyone that would listen. Over dinner, (at some expensive restaurant), Matt told me how beautiful I was and how blessed he was to have found me. Now, over dinner (at our dining room table), our conversations sound like this: "No, no Brooke! We don't throw our peas off our tray," and "So do you want dish duty or Brooke duty after dinner?" Now, after 2 1/2 years of marriage, I don't feel those giddy, "warm fuzzies" every time he looks at me. Sure, I'm still very attracted to him. But it's a settled feeling now. I'm confident in our commitment. Sometimes, he drives me crazy by saying insensitive GUY remarks. Sometimes I wake up in the morning irritated at him for no reason (blame it on those dang pregnancy hormones). Always, I am thankful for him and secure in his love for me and his commitment to this family. So now I would say, true love is not a feeling but it is still more than a decision; it is a COMMITMENT. I am committed to him until "death do us part" and I know he is committed the same to me. Even when I'm upset or irritated, I am still committed. And this, I believe, is love. Not the infatuation "high" known as dating. It was a great time in life but I wouldn't trade our relationship now for anything. So, in the Schrand family, here are some examples of "true love":
-True love is Matt working his rear end off at his job so that I can stay home with Brooke.
-True love is me being willing to (almost) always get up with Brooke early in the morning because Matt is a "night owl," and rarely goes to bed before midnight.
-True love is Matt being willing to watch Brooke every week while I have "girl time" even if he has a ton of paperwork.
-True love is my attempting to keep the house clean, so it looks good when Matt gets home (he hates a messy house)
-True love is Matt massaging my ugly, swollen, 3rd- trimester- pregnant feet because they hurt so bad I can hardly walk.
-True love is me being willing to not have pets because Matt is not a pet person.
-True love is Matt walking around walmart with me every Sunday night so I don't have to take Brooke grocery shopping by myself.
Many more examples I could list, but Brooke is awake and I must get dinner started. Feel free to add examples of love from your relationship in the comments. :)
-True love is Matt working his rear end off at his job so that I can stay home with Brooke.
-True love is me being willing to (almost) always get up with Brooke early in the morning because Matt is a "night owl," and rarely goes to bed before midnight.
-True love is Matt being willing to watch Brooke every week while I have "girl time" even if he has a ton of paperwork.
-True love is my attempting to keep the house clean, so it looks good when Matt gets home (he hates a messy house)
-True love is Matt massaging my ugly, swollen, 3rd- trimester- pregnant feet because they hurt so bad I can hardly walk.
-True love is me being willing to not have pets because Matt is not a pet person.
-True love is Matt walking around walmart with me every Sunday night so I don't have to take Brooke grocery shopping by myself.
Many more examples I could list, but Brooke is awake and I must get dinner started. Feel free to add examples of love from your relationship in the comments. :)
Thursday, June 2, 2011
I really do love my life. I couldn't ask for a better husband than Matt. And Brooke has been so good recently... I'm one proud momma. Today, I laid her down for her nap, and I guess she wasn't quite ready to sleep. But instead of fussing, she played in her crib... for 45 minutes! Never a fuss; then silence. She's been sleeping now for over an hour. At night sometimes, she wakes up, plays for a few minutes, and then falls back asleep. Okay, I know some moms accomplish this by the time their babies are 6 months old. But Brooke was such a difficult baby that these little blessings are a big deal to me! And really, say what you want about being a SAH mom, but I find the job so rewarding. There's nothing more satisfying then being able to fully support my husband and raise my daughter. Sure sometimes it's boring (singing "This Old Man" 100 times in one day!) But it's so good to know that I get to invest so much time in my family. I get to cook homemade, healthy dinners for them and not have to rely on Stouffers. I get to see Brooke take her first steps (which should be coming any day now!) and I get to take Matt's car in for an oil change to make his life a little easier (okay, I complained about this one a bit, but, really, I'm happy to do it to make his crazy-busy life a little less stressful). I admit, I'm still so self-centered. I don't spend enough time in prayer during the day, and I many times allow my thoughts to center around what would make ME happy. But there's nothing like being a SAH mom to learn how to become humble! I do miss nursing sometimes. I miss the adrenaline rush of critical care. I miss the companionship of other mature adults during the day (although it would be hard to classify many of my patients and even some of my coworkers as "mature." :) ) And someday I hope to go back to nursing part time. But I'm so happy with the opportunity God has given me to serve Him by serving my family at this stage of my life.
That was random... I had no plan to say any of that! I guess I truly use this blog to type whatever thoughts are rambling around my head! :)
I do not have a green thumb. I have a "killer plant" thumb. I could kill a fake plant. I think I have. There's an artificial flower arrangement in our master bath that's looking a little sad (the flowers keep falling off.. don't ask me why!) But I'm going to attempt to plant flowers in our front yard. Yes, real flowers. During the first hour of Brooke's nap, I pulled weeds out of the currently almost-empty plant bed in our yard. And either this afternoon or tomorrow morning, I'm going to buy myself some marigolds to plant (because my dad assures me that they are a low-maintenance summer flower). I was going to buy some new plants for the plant bed this year (as I've killed almost all the ones in there), but it's getting too late in the year, and I'm getting too pregnant to mess with that. So maybe I can build my confidence with some "simple" flowers this year (they couldn't be too expensive, right?) and next year I'll invest in some bigger plants. I guess keeping a yard, like everything else, takes practice. I REALLY want a pretty yard... I just don't know how to go about getting one. Okay, I get that I need to WATER the plants. I learned that lesson last year. (In my defense, I was so overwhelmed with being a new mother, that a couple of wilty plants was the least of my concerns!) But now it's time to LEARN how to make the outside of my house look nice. For my own personal satisfaction. And so my neighbors quit glaring at me when they drive by. (Incidentally, Matt could care less. He wants to tear out ALL the plants and put in a rock garden. Spoil sport!)
Well, sounds like my little one is awake, so I think I shall head to walmart and check out the supply of marigolds. Wish me luck!
P.S. Let me add (after reading this over a couple times) that I understand everyone has a different calling in life and I don't want to imply that being a SAH mom is best for every woman. God has unique roles for every one of His children. I was just rambling on about how glad I am that He's called me to the role that I am living right now! :)
That was random... I had no plan to say any of that! I guess I truly use this blog to type whatever thoughts are rambling around my head! :)
I do not have a green thumb. I have a "killer plant" thumb. I could kill a fake plant. I think I have. There's an artificial flower arrangement in our master bath that's looking a little sad (the flowers keep falling off.. don't ask me why!) But I'm going to attempt to plant flowers in our front yard. Yes, real flowers. During the first hour of Brooke's nap, I pulled weeds out of the currently almost-empty plant bed in our yard. And either this afternoon or tomorrow morning, I'm going to buy myself some marigolds to plant (because my dad assures me that they are a low-maintenance summer flower). I was going to buy some new plants for the plant bed this year (as I've killed almost all the ones in there), but it's getting too late in the year, and I'm getting too pregnant to mess with that. So maybe I can build my confidence with some "simple" flowers this year (they couldn't be too expensive, right?) and next year I'll invest in some bigger plants. I guess keeping a yard, like everything else, takes practice. I REALLY want a pretty yard... I just don't know how to go about getting one. Okay, I get that I need to WATER the plants. I learned that lesson last year. (In my defense, I was so overwhelmed with being a new mother, that a couple of wilty plants was the least of my concerns!) But now it's time to LEARN how to make the outside of my house look nice. For my own personal satisfaction. And so my neighbors quit glaring at me when they drive by. (Incidentally, Matt could care less. He wants to tear out ALL the plants and put in a rock garden. Spoil sport!)
Well, sounds like my little one is awake, so I think I shall head to walmart and check out the supply of marigolds. Wish me luck!
P.S. Let me add (after reading this over a couple times) that I understand everyone has a different calling in life and I don't want to imply that being a SAH mom is best for every woman. God has unique roles for every one of His children. I was just rambling on about how glad I am that He's called me to the role that I am living right now! :)
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Something I struggle with a lot: selfishness on weekends. Some horribly prideful imp inside of me tells me that because I've been so "sacrificial" and "serving" all week (after all, I've cleaned the showers, scrubbed the toilets, cooked meals, done laundry... all while taking care of a toddler AND being 32 weeks pregnant!), I should be able to have everything I want on Saturday and Sunday. Picture a lady of leisure, reclining on the sofa with her husband feeding her grapes and her children napping contentedly at her feet. Needless to say, this scenario has never been realized for me. So, on weekends, when Matt decides to go to a friend's house to play video games, or when Brooke's nap is cut short by the neighbor mowing his lawn, my prideful side signals my "depressed, woe-is-me" side to come out. And then I sulk because circumstances are not pleasing to ME. Well, I was horribly convicted today when reading Psalm 73, "Who have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire but You..." Yeah, if that were true in my life, I guess my emotions wouldn't be so dictated by my circumstances. But the truth is, there ARE things I desire on this earth besides Jesus. I desire comfort, enjoyment, relaxation at times. I desire laughter and fulfillment through relationships. I desire people to like me. There's nothing wrong with these things. But when they become the source of my contentment, then, yes, something is wrong.
Well, today was a really good Saturday. Matt was home and a wonderful help around the house. Brooke took a decent nap and went to bed tonight without a fuss. We went to Logan's for dinner and then wandered Target afterwards (and Matt didn't complain once about my aimless shopping!) And tonight, I got to watch a chick flick while Matt finished up his paperwork. So today it was easy to take joy in my relationship with Jesus. It's tomorrow, when we're late to church, and Brooke cries the whole time in the nursery, and I have to fight crowds at Walmart to do my weekly grocery shopping that my conviction will be tested. So please help me, Jesus, to make You my one desire. Help me not to allow earthly desires to take my focus off of You!
I don't even know if those last paragraphs made sense... just ramblings that have been bouncing around my brain today.
Chloe has the hiccups right now. It's so fun to feel those little bouncy convulsions and realize what I'm feeling. I felt them yesterday morning for the first time, and since then, have noticed them 4 or 5 times. I'm still so scared of what life is going to be like with 2 kids but I'm becoming more and more excited to meet this little one inside of me. She's very active like Brooke was. Especially at night. I love to watch little arms and legs flutter across my belly when she gets playful! I swear, Chloe and Brooke had their first fight the other day. I was reclining on my side next to Brooke, and she fell backwards right onto my belly. It freaked me out at first but it didn't really hurt so I figured Chloe was alright. Brooke then proceeded to stay sitting next to my belly, as I read to her. Chloe, who had been quiet before her sister landed on her, spent the next 10 minutes or so, kicking and punching like crazy against Brooke's back. Haha! Just wait until you come out Chloe... you won't stand a chance next to your big and VERY aggressive older sister!
Wow... it's after eleven, so I must go to bed. Church in the morning. Good night, All!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
One thing I've noticed as a SAH mom: if I don't push myself hard enough, I feel lazy and guilty (not that Matt ever makes me feel like this; I do it to myself!). If I push myself too hard, I hurt the rest of the night (thank you, Pregnancy!) So I guess I have to find a balance. Anyway, yesterday, I definitely pushed myself too hard. I was just in nesting mode, I guess, because I packed as much cleaning and laundry into the day as I could. Then, last night topped the cake. When Matt got off of work, we went on a walk (as we do almost every evening). It looked like rain, but I wanted to go anyway. So we started our normal one mile trek around the neighborhood, and when we were about 1/2 way done (at the farthest point from our house, of course), it started to rain. Just a drizzle at first, but I started to pick up the pace of my pregnancy waddle anyway. Then the drizzle turned to a downpour. Brooke was SO not impressed and let us know with loud wails (prissy little girl!). So I told Matt to run home. We must have been quite a sight: Matt sprinting, pushing a stroller, with a hysterical toddler, and 1/4 mile behind, me sopping wet and speed walking as fast as my pregnancy hugeness would allow. So Matt gets home and immediately puts Brooke in the carseat to drive around the block and come pick me up. What he doesn't know, is I've taken a side street so I could walk through our back yard (a short cut home). So as he is pulling away from our driveway, I'm now RUNNING (and huffing and puffing) through the back yard, waving my arms, yelling "MATT! STOP!") Of course, he doesn't hear me. So off he goes, closing the garage door behind him (there goes my shelter from the rain). So after about 3 or 4 minutes, he pulls back to the house and finds me standing huddled close to the house and laughing like a mad woman (I couldn't do anything but laugh at this point!) Matt had thought I'd fallen or been picked up by a loony so he was freaking out and proceeded to yell at me for taking a short cut (he apologized when sense took over). So we came in, changed out of our sopping clothes, and immediately after, it stopped raining. Great. My hips and legs were torturing me for the rest of the night; Matt told me I sounded like an 80 year old woman every time I tried to stand or move. Brooke went to bed at 8:00 (very early for her), and I passed out on our still made bed soon after.
Today, Josiah and Maleah (my little siblings that my parents adopted from China) are having surgery. Both were born with cleft palate. Josiah's was much worse, so he's having more reconstruction done on his lip today. Maleah is just having tubes put in her ears (a chronic problem for cleft children). Please pray for them, if you can (especially Josiah). It's so hard to watch a 5 and 4-year old have to recover from surgery! And pray for the sanity of my parents! I can't imagine having to watch my child go through all of this!
We bought new bedroom furniture over the weekend. You see, Chloe is getting our old dresser and we are buying new stuff for ourselves (yes, isn't that awful? :) ) I'm so excited for it to be delivered. I'm finally feeling like this house is my own. Of course, I am definitely slowing down my spending after this big purchase! But we got an awesome "Memorial Sale" deal so I can't complain.
http://www.furniturerow.com/BedroomExpressions/Hero-Bedroom-Group/Hero-4-Pc.-Queen-Group/prod390094/
For those who are wondering, no, we are not growing money trees in the backyard. All this decorating money is coming from a very large tax return we got this year. It's been nice to be able to spend without feeling guilty (well, too guilty that is!)
Anyway, I'd better get something done today. Hope everyone is well...
Today, Josiah and Maleah (my little siblings that my parents adopted from China) are having surgery. Both were born with cleft palate. Josiah's was much worse, so he's having more reconstruction done on his lip today. Maleah is just having tubes put in her ears (a chronic problem for cleft children). Please pray for them, if you can (especially Josiah). It's so hard to watch a 5 and 4-year old have to recover from surgery! And pray for the sanity of my parents! I can't imagine having to watch my child go through all of this!
We bought new bedroom furniture over the weekend. You see, Chloe is getting our old dresser and we are buying new stuff for ourselves (yes, isn't that awful? :) ) I'm so excited for it to be delivered. I'm finally feeling like this house is my own. Of course, I am definitely slowing down my spending after this big purchase! But we got an awesome "Memorial Sale" deal so I can't complain.
http://www.furniturerow.com/BedroomExpressions/Hero-Bedroom-Group/Hero-4-Pc.-Queen-Group/prod390094/
For those who are wondering, no, we are not growing money trees in the backyard. All this decorating money is coming from a very large tax return we got this year. It's been nice to be able to spend without feeling guilty (well, too guilty that is!)
Anyway, I'd better get something done today. Hope everyone is well...
Thursday, May 19, 2011
I laid Brooke down 20 minutes ago, and she's still in her crib playing. I just heard her say, "doggy" (which sounds more like "duh-e.") Considering she was falling asleep in her highchair during lunch 20 minutes ago, I don't know how she's holding strong in there. At least she's not crying... (yet).
Yesterday was one of those days where I spent the whole day feeling like a bad mother (do you guys have those days?). First, she slams her fingers in a cabinet. Then later that day, I stepped on her toes when she was crawling by. She developed a horrid diaper rash (after pooping 4 times in one day!), and then was hysterical whenever I tried to change her. Her hair was greasy, and her white shirt had spaghetti sauce stains. And she was abnormally fussy, and I could NOT figure out why. On top of all this, I'm still fighting cold symptoms and felt stuffed up and nasty all day. And Chloe is making me feel like I have elephants ripping and straining my hips out of joint (Lovely!). So yeah... it was one of those days where I couldn't wait to put Brooke to bed, so I could... uhhh... pass out myself. Which I did by about 10:00.
Then today, I had an OB app't. I was feeling unusually unselfish so I told Matt he didn't have to go. (He's had a crazy week and hates to be put behind by these now every-other-week appointments). Bad mistake! For some reason, even if strangers are ignoring Brooke, if they are doing something to me (like taking my blood pressure), she becomes like a ma-ma bear protecting her cubs. So I'm in a chair, trying to remain relaxed so my blood pressure isn't through the roof, and Brooke is sitting in her stroller next to me, flailing and screaming bloody murder. Same when the doctor was dopplering my belly. Between these occasions, we were walking around the exam room for 30 minutes, WAITING for the doctor. Brooke was fussy and desperately trying to get out of my arms so she could crawl around on the nasty floor. And then I spilled yogurt all in my diaper bag. No more unselfish mornings for me! I admit, I cannot go to OB appointments alone!
Quiet over the monitor... blessed quiet! It's an early nap (I might regret that around 6:00 tonight), but at least for now, peace. Why didn't anyone tell me toddlers were so much work?! :)
Besides all this craziness, I was reminded through talking to a couple friends yesterday, both of whom are having trials, how difficult life can be, and how much we are dependent on God's grace. Sometimes the trials are seemingly minor (like chicken pox... shout out to you if you are reading this, Faith). Sometimes they are major like infertility problems. And I was reminded to cry out to God in the hard moments and to sing to God in praise in the good ones. Yesterday was not all bad. I laughed like crazy when I picked Brooke up out of the shower (a second time), soaking wet, and confused (I don't know why she insists on climbing in there.) Matt (being the wonderful man he is) saw the state I was in when he got home from work and proceeded to say, "so... where do you want to go to dinner?" (Bless you, Matt!) We ended up trying a new italian place in town and had a great time. I managed to not order anything off the internet all day (of course, that may have been due to lack of time... energy... motivation...whatever). And I went to the revenue office to renew Matt's tags on his car and was in and out in 20 minutes (a new record!) So praise God for the blessings. And continue to pray for grace and wisdom in the difficult moments. He is good... and earth is fleeting. Maybe those difficult moments are to remind us of a day where "every tear shall be wiped away." Imagine, constant, abiding job, for all eternity! Thank you, Jesus!
Yesterday was one of those days where I spent the whole day feeling like a bad mother (do you guys have those days?). First, she slams her fingers in a cabinet. Then later that day, I stepped on her toes when she was crawling by. She developed a horrid diaper rash (after pooping 4 times in one day!), and then was hysterical whenever I tried to change her. Her hair was greasy, and her white shirt had spaghetti sauce stains. And she was abnormally fussy, and I could NOT figure out why. On top of all this, I'm still fighting cold symptoms and felt stuffed up and nasty all day. And Chloe is making me feel like I have elephants ripping and straining my hips out of joint (Lovely!). So yeah... it was one of those days where I couldn't wait to put Brooke to bed, so I could... uhhh... pass out myself. Which I did by about 10:00.
Then today, I had an OB app't. I was feeling unusually unselfish so I told Matt he didn't have to go. (He's had a crazy week and hates to be put behind by these now every-other-week appointments). Bad mistake! For some reason, even if strangers are ignoring Brooke, if they are doing something to me (like taking my blood pressure), she becomes like a ma-ma bear protecting her cubs. So I'm in a chair, trying to remain relaxed so my blood pressure isn't through the roof, and Brooke is sitting in her stroller next to me, flailing and screaming bloody murder. Same when the doctor was dopplering my belly. Between these occasions, we were walking around the exam room for 30 minutes, WAITING for the doctor. Brooke was fussy and desperately trying to get out of my arms so she could crawl around on the nasty floor. And then I spilled yogurt all in my diaper bag. No more unselfish mornings for me! I admit, I cannot go to OB appointments alone!
Quiet over the monitor... blessed quiet! It's an early nap (I might regret that around 6:00 tonight), but at least for now, peace. Why didn't anyone tell me toddlers were so much work?! :)
Besides all this craziness, I was reminded through talking to a couple friends yesterday, both of whom are having trials, how difficult life can be, and how much we are dependent on God's grace. Sometimes the trials are seemingly minor (like chicken pox... shout out to you if you are reading this, Faith). Sometimes they are major like infertility problems. And I was reminded to cry out to God in the hard moments and to sing to God in praise in the good ones. Yesterday was not all bad. I laughed like crazy when I picked Brooke up out of the shower (a second time), soaking wet, and confused (I don't know why she insists on climbing in there.) Matt (being the wonderful man he is) saw the state I was in when he got home from work and proceeded to say, "so... where do you want to go to dinner?" (Bless you, Matt!) We ended up trying a new italian place in town and had a great time. I managed to not order anything off the internet all day (of course, that may have been due to lack of time... energy... motivation...whatever). And I went to the revenue office to renew Matt's tags on his car and was in and out in 20 minutes (a new record!) So praise God for the blessings. And continue to pray for grace and wisdom in the difficult moments. He is good... and earth is fleeting. Maybe those difficult moments are to remind us of a day where "every tear shall be wiped away." Imagine, constant, abiding job, for all eternity! Thank you, Jesus!
Monday, May 16, 2011
It was a rough weekend. Brooke got sick (again!) on Thursday. Friday morning, she woke up shaking, crying, with a fever of 102. So we took her to the doctor... again. I thought it was a relapse of the ear infection she had a week ago. Turns out, her ears looked fine but her throat was red and blistered. It was a virus, so no antibiotics. Lasted 3 days; yesterday she was much better and, for the first time, didn't require any ibuprofen to keep her comfortable. Now, today, I woke up sick. Ick! This morning, I was just lying around, willing it to be "naptime" for Brooke so that I could nap. Finally, I took 2 tylenol and went out shopping (the ultimate cure for all ails). I am definitely nesting! Poor Matt. Everything I want; I buy. This is not like me. I'm usually very frugal (which is why I've lived in this house 2 years w/o really decorating anything). But now, it's like I can't help myself. If I'm not out shopping, I'm online shopping. Fortunately, we got a good tax return that Matt is letting me use to decorate. But he still cringes at some of the things I decide to buy ("yes, Matt, the pink flowered piggy bank IS really necessary to complete Brooke's room!")
Sometimes, I tend to go overboard on things. I mean, what is it that made me decide that I needed to decorate the whole house NOW? I haven't really worried about it, other than to buy occasional pieces of furniture when they went on sale, for 2 years. I think Satan can really use my tendency of going overboard to draw me away from Jesus. Yes, I admit, sometimes I choose to search amazon over spending time with God. I've been debating recently, on "how far is too far"... nothing wrong with decorating, but is this really how God wants me to spend all my time/money? We donate a lot of our income (Matt is extremely generous with his finances), but we could give more. Do I really need those monkey wall hangings for Chloe's room? Don't those tornado survivors in Alabama or the starving kids on the front of World Vision's envelopes need it more? (Side note: World Vision gives a good guilt trip on every piece of mail they send.) This is where my mind has been the last few days. So maybe I need a shopping fast. Just to refocus and reflect on the fact that I'm spending GOD'S money (it's ultimately all His anyway), and I will be held responsible for how I use that money.
Incidentally, Matt told me recently, he wants to reread the Dave Ramsey book Total Money Makeover. I told him that's fine; just give me about a week's notice beforehand, so I can finish shopping first. :)
Matt is so crazy busy at work recently. Sometimes, I hate his job! But I want to be encouraging; I want him to find a place of peace at home after a very LONG day at work. And I'm so thankful that he's making enough money so that I can stay home. So many husbands pressure their wives into working because they "need" that extra income (and in some cases, that's true!) But I'm so fortunate I have a husband that encourages me to stay home and is willing to work a job that is not his "dream," so that I can live out mine. How unselfish is that!? I guess I've just been hit this week but how fortunate I am to be married to him. He took Friday off to help me with Brooke (I was so exhausted I could hardly function), and he spent much of the weekend doing chores around the house to make my life easier. He didn't get to mowing the lawn though, so please look away if you drive by my house this week. I told him, it's okay for now. He'll know if he's let it get too long, when he sees ME out mowing!
Okay, I think I'm off to take a nap now. Laundry can wait...
Sometimes, I tend to go overboard on things. I mean, what is it that made me decide that I needed to decorate the whole house NOW? I haven't really worried about it, other than to buy occasional pieces of furniture when they went on sale, for 2 years. I think Satan can really use my tendency of going overboard to draw me away from Jesus. Yes, I admit, sometimes I choose to search amazon over spending time with God. I've been debating recently, on "how far is too far"... nothing wrong with decorating, but is this really how God wants me to spend all my time/money? We donate a lot of our income (Matt is extremely generous with his finances), but we could give more. Do I really need those monkey wall hangings for Chloe's room? Don't those tornado survivors in Alabama or the starving kids on the front of World Vision's envelopes need it more? (Side note: World Vision gives a good guilt trip on every piece of mail they send.) This is where my mind has been the last few days. So maybe I need a shopping fast. Just to refocus and reflect on the fact that I'm spending GOD'S money (it's ultimately all His anyway), and I will be held responsible for how I use that money.
Incidentally, Matt told me recently, he wants to reread the Dave Ramsey book Total Money Makeover. I told him that's fine; just give me about a week's notice beforehand, so I can finish shopping first. :)
Matt is so crazy busy at work recently. Sometimes, I hate his job! But I want to be encouraging; I want him to find a place of peace at home after a very LONG day at work. And I'm so thankful that he's making enough money so that I can stay home. So many husbands pressure their wives into working because they "need" that extra income (and in some cases, that's true!) But I'm so fortunate I have a husband that encourages me to stay home and is willing to work a job that is not his "dream," so that I can live out mine. How unselfish is that!? I guess I've just been hit this week but how fortunate I am to be married to him. He took Friday off to help me with Brooke (I was so exhausted I could hardly function), and he spent much of the weekend doing chores around the house to make my life easier. He didn't get to mowing the lawn though, so please look away if you drive by my house this week. I told him, it's okay for now. He'll know if he's let it get too long, when he sees ME out mowing!
Okay, I think I'm off to take a nap now. Laundry can wait...
Thursday, May 12, 2011
II Samuel 22:30
I have not been able to sleep the last several nights. Partly, this is because of 3rd trimester irritations (discomfort, constant feeling of having to go to the bathroom, etc...), and partly, because I am scared to death, and that fear is keeping me awake. I am scared to death of what life is going to be like with another baby. When I first found out I was pregnant again, 9 months seemed like a long time. But now 10 weeks seems so very short! Brooke is basically still a baby herself... she's not even attempted to walk yet! What am I going to do with a newborn? Plus, it seems like I'm just finally able to keep a clean house, get all my responsibilities taken care of, and be a good mother to Brooke. And with #2 coming, I know I'll be starting over with that feeling of not being able to get anything done. Ugh!!!
Yes, I am excited about meeting Chloe... of course! I feel her kick and I can't help but get that maternal instinct of "this is my little girl, playing around inside of me." But I guess I fear not being able to handle two. I think a lot of this feeling is because Brooke was such a difficult newborn. She had terrible colic. She did nothing but cry for the first 2 months of her life. Sometimes she was up for 5 hours in the middle of the night screaming. She was a terrible sleeper. I couldn't put her down... she would immediately wake up. All she wanted to do was nurse. So I nursed her... ALL THE TIME! And so I worry how I'm going to care for Brooke (who I know is going to have problems with jealousy) if Chloe is this time-consuming. Please God... may Chloe be a more content baby!
Also, I worry about what to do with Brooke while I am in the hospital. She has severe separation/stranger anxiety. Because of this, I have never left her for more than 2 hours. I hate leaving, knowing she is going to scream hysterically and refuse to eat. So what am I going to do while I'm in labor? Of course, my parents are willing to watch her, but I'll spend my whole time in labor, worrying about Brooke. Boy, that sounds like fun! But then, how can I bring her with us and expect Matt to be able to watch an active toddler and also be there for me? Also not fun. So therein is my dilemma. I am praying I will go into labor around 10:00 at night (right after Brooke goes to bed), so my mom can just come over here while she sleeps. If my labor with Chloe is just as fast as with Brooke, Chloe will be here by morning. Then Matt can go get Brooke and the crisis will be averted. How's that for a specific prayer? I'm even considering asking my OB if she will induce me at night... yeah, right!
Anyway, in the midst of all this fear, a "still, small voice" in the back of my head is whispering, "Trust." That voice was backed up by my Bible reading this morning in II Samuel 22:30: "With your help, I can advance against a troop; with my God, I can scale a wall." Okay, I don't plan to scale any walls anytime soon (I'll deal with my fear of falling later!). But maybe I can rephrase that verse with these words: "With your help, I can deal with 2 babies together: a high maintenance newborn and a jealous toddler; with my God, I can deal with crying, lack of sleep, and a disastrous house!" Yes, He is here. He created this baby. He knows what I can handle. He can take care of Brooke while I'm in labor. He can give me wisdom on raising these 2 little ones that He's entrusted to my care.
I can't say that I will sleep peacefully every night for the next 10 weeks. But I can say that I have a big God. A God who's interested in changing me to become more like Him through every circumstance He leads me into. In the meantime, I'd appreciate prayer from my friends out there! Sorry this is so long... guess I needed to get this out!
Off to continue my "nesting"...
P.S. Despite how difficult she was, Brooke was adorable! She was just hours old in this picture. Who would guess she'd spent a majority of those hours showing us what a strong set of lungs she had?!
Yes, I am excited about meeting Chloe... of course! I feel her kick and I can't help but get that maternal instinct of "this is my little girl, playing around inside of me." But I guess I fear not being able to handle two. I think a lot of this feeling is because Brooke was such a difficult newborn. She had terrible colic. She did nothing but cry for the first 2 months of her life. Sometimes she was up for 5 hours in the middle of the night screaming. She was a terrible sleeper. I couldn't put her down... she would immediately wake up. All she wanted to do was nurse. So I nursed her... ALL THE TIME! And so I worry how I'm going to care for Brooke (who I know is going to have problems with jealousy) if Chloe is this time-consuming. Please God... may Chloe be a more content baby!
Also, I worry about what to do with Brooke while I am in the hospital. She has severe separation/stranger anxiety. Because of this, I have never left her for more than 2 hours. I hate leaving, knowing she is going to scream hysterically and refuse to eat. So what am I going to do while I'm in labor? Of course, my parents are willing to watch her, but I'll spend my whole time in labor, worrying about Brooke. Boy, that sounds like fun! But then, how can I bring her with us and expect Matt to be able to watch an active toddler and also be there for me? Also not fun. So therein is my dilemma. I am praying I will go into labor around 10:00 at night (right after Brooke goes to bed), so my mom can just come over here while she sleeps. If my labor with Chloe is just as fast as with Brooke, Chloe will be here by morning. Then Matt can go get Brooke and the crisis will be averted. How's that for a specific prayer? I'm even considering asking my OB if she will induce me at night... yeah, right!
Anyway, in the midst of all this fear, a "still, small voice" in the back of my head is whispering, "Trust." That voice was backed up by my Bible reading this morning in II Samuel 22:30: "With your help, I can advance against a troop; with my God, I can scale a wall." Okay, I don't plan to scale any walls anytime soon (I'll deal with my fear of falling later!). But maybe I can rephrase that verse with these words: "With your help, I can deal with 2 babies together: a high maintenance newborn and a jealous toddler; with my God, I can deal with crying, lack of sleep, and a disastrous house!" Yes, He is here. He created this baby. He knows what I can handle. He can take care of Brooke while I'm in labor. He can give me wisdom on raising these 2 little ones that He's entrusted to my care.
I can't say that I will sleep peacefully every night for the next 10 weeks. But I can say that I have a big God. A God who's interested in changing me to become more like Him through every circumstance He leads me into. In the meantime, I'd appreciate prayer from my friends out there! Sorry this is so long... guess I needed to get this out!
Off to continue my "nesting"...
P.S. Despite how difficult she was, Brooke was adorable! She was just hours old in this picture. Who would guess she'd spent a majority of those hours showing us what a strong set of lungs she had?!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
I will win this battle!
Today is a high-fuss day. Brooke's crankiness is definitely affecting my crankiness. Matt chose not to come home for lunch today, and that was probably a wise move. :) So, yeah, Brooke seemed REALLY sleepy around 11:00. Eleven is too early for naptime-- I know this! But I put her down anyway, because I didn't want her to get over-tired. That's when the battle started. She cried and fussed and boo-hooed in her crib for 20 min before I decided to give up and try later. But that was only the beginning of the fussiness. Fuss over her toys, fuss because I wouldn't let her pull my new runner off the table, fuss because I clipped her bib on so she couldn't throw it on the floor, eat a grape, fuss, eat a grape, fuss... you get the picture! So now she's back in bed. Quiet for the moment. I will win this round. She WILL take a nap. For my sanity's sake, if nothing else!
Last night, I was going to make a big dinner: homemade baked chicken nuggets and homemade baked french fries. Healthy, kid-friendly... what else could the family want? So I peeled and cut my potatoes, seasoned them, and put them in the oven. Then I mixed up my breading and pulled the chicken out of the fridge. You know when chicken gets that weird smell?... when you're not quite sure if it's bad or you're just imagining things? Yeah, that was the case with this chicken. So I threw it out and tried to think of something else that goes with fries. Manwiches... yeah, that will work! So I take out some ground beef and make up my homemade sauce. Drat! The buns are stale! Okay, regular wheat bread will have to do. So finally, dinner is done and looks semi presentable. I mix up some meat and fries for Brooke and give her a bite (she liked this last time I gave it to her). She eats it... success! I give her another bite... and she spits it out and throws it on the floor. I put some on her tray for her to pick up (sometimes she just wants to do it herself. ) Manwiches overboard. It's now 6:00 and I have accountability at 6:30. So I hurriedly feed her a yogurt and some pureed carrots and rush out the door. Poor Matt... the kitchen is a disaster! Have I mentioned what a good husband I have? The kitchen was almost completely clean when I got home! And then he told me she spit up twice and he'd cleaned it up. Well, as I'm about to put her in bed last night, I find out she'd spit up on her "blankie," Matt had washed it, and forgotten to put it in the dryer. And, with a couple poorly worded sentences, I made him feel like a failure for not having her blanket completely ready for bed! God, please forgive me for not being the encouragement I could be in Matt's life. I mean, come on, he watched Brooke for 2 hours and cleaned up a mess and a half from my attempt to make dinner (speaking of failing!) Man, I have a lot to learn on becoming a good wife and mother!
Well, it's still quiet over the monitor, so I guess I have officially won! Brooke, may you take a long nap and wake up the happy baby that I'm used to. Hope everyone out in the blog world is well.
Last night, I was going to make a big dinner: homemade baked chicken nuggets and homemade baked french fries. Healthy, kid-friendly... what else could the family want? So I peeled and cut my potatoes, seasoned them, and put them in the oven. Then I mixed up my breading and pulled the chicken out of the fridge. You know when chicken gets that weird smell?... when you're not quite sure if it's bad or you're just imagining things? Yeah, that was the case with this chicken. So I threw it out and tried to think of something else that goes with fries. Manwiches... yeah, that will work! So I take out some ground beef and make up my homemade sauce. Drat! The buns are stale! Okay, regular wheat bread will have to do. So finally, dinner is done and looks semi presentable. I mix up some meat and fries for Brooke and give her a bite (she liked this last time I gave it to her). She eats it... success! I give her another bite... and she spits it out and throws it on the floor. I put some on her tray for her to pick up (sometimes she just wants to do it herself. ) Manwiches overboard. It's now 6:00 and I have accountability at 6:30. So I hurriedly feed her a yogurt and some pureed carrots and rush out the door. Poor Matt... the kitchen is a disaster! Have I mentioned what a good husband I have? The kitchen was almost completely clean when I got home! And then he told me she spit up twice and he'd cleaned it up. Well, as I'm about to put her in bed last night, I find out she'd spit up on her "blankie," Matt had washed it, and forgotten to put it in the dryer. And, with a couple poorly worded sentences, I made him feel like a failure for not having her blanket completely ready for bed! God, please forgive me for not being the encouragement I could be in Matt's life. I mean, come on, he watched Brooke for 2 hours and cleaned up a mess and a half from my attempt to make dinner (speaking of failing!) Man, I have a lot to learn on becoming a good wife and mother!
Well, it's still quiet over the monitor, so I guess I have officially won! Brooke, may you take a long nap and wake up the happy baby that I'm used to. Hope everyone out in the blog world is well.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Shopping and other random things
I woke up feeling energy-less and not ready to start the week. To make it worse, Brooke woke up at 7:30 (about an hour earlier than usual), which made it so I didn't have time to shower or clean up the breakfast mess. I hate starting a Monday feeling behind. I managed to shower and clean up the breakfast dishes; meanwhile, Brooke made a mess of EVERY room of the house. So I gave up... I left the mess alone and went to Target. Shopping is therapeutic for me when I'm stressed or down! I think I must be nesting because I'm badly wanting to finish decorating my house. I came home with rugs for the guest bathroom and a runner for the dining room table. Matt is SO not impressed with the runner. If it's not practical, then he thinks it's not needed in the house. But he's tolerating it because I told him that it made me happy. :) I grew up in a house where everything was decorated perfectly (and was always clean and organized). Now I live with a man that doesn't care too much about decorating ("why did you buy new rugs for the bathroom? There was a rug in there." --yeah, that thin, cheap, tan rug really matched our black and white decor.) But we compromise well, and he puts up with my occasional splurges. I'm very blessed to be married to him!
Saturday was my official last day to nurse Brooke. The boppy is away! The nursing bras are gone! (sorry for the details... I'm very excited about this!) Yes, I know I'm going to start over soon. But I feel like I've passed a big milestone with Brooke. She's no longer a baby... quickly becoming a toddler. Plus, because she never took a bottle or a pacifier, I'm done weaning. Give her "blankie" and put her in bed with "Lamb-y," "Mr. Bear," and "Pooh," and she puts herself to sleep. Such a good feeling!
On to more serious issues... so yesterday, Matt and I officially joined New Life Church. Yes, I enjoy the church, but I'm still sad about leaving Summit. Even now, I sometimes dream about going back. But then I remember how hard it was to get involved, living 25 miles away, with a toddler that doesn't like to be restrained in a carseat. I remember how hard it was for Matt to invite co-workers ("hey, you want to come to church with me Sunday? Oh, by the way, it's a 30 min drive.") And so I'm reminded why we did it. But then, right after we turned in the official paperwork to join, we sit down for yesterday's sermon.. and it's being preached by the pastor's WIFE! Okay, it's for Mother's Day. It's specifically for women. But it still made Matt and I uncomfortable. How far will the church go to be trendy? I don't want answers or disparaging comments from people. I know this is a hot-button issue and I have facebook friends on all sides of the "fundamental" to "evangelical" spectrum. I'm just being honest about how I feel, and what I'm facing. We prayed before we joined. Matt felt a peace; I felt increasing peace (maybe because Matt is comfortable there and I respect him as my spiritual leader). Everything we've seen from the church so far has been Biblical. They have always been solid on what I consider black and white issues. So, Matt and I determined to pray, to not become automatically judgmental, and continue to trust that God led us to New Life for a reason. We just started volunteering in the nursery, so it's hard to leave now. And I really do want to be able to get involved in a local church... despite that fact, that I've been attending New Life for 9 months and have yet to get involved. Hopefully, soon...
Okay, laundry is calling, so I'm off. Hope everyone who reads this is well!
Saturday was my official last day to nurse Brooke. The boppy is away! The nursing bras are gone! (sorry for the details... I'm very excited about this!) Yes, I know I'm going to start over soon. But I feel like I've passed a big milestone with Brooke. She's no longer a baby... quickly becoming a toddler. Plus, because she never took a bottle or a pacifier, I'm done weaning. Give her "blankie" and put her in bed with "Lamb-y," "Mr. Bear," and "Pooh," and she puts herself to sleep. Such a good feeling!
On to more serious issues... so yesterday, Matt and I officially joined New Life Church. Yes, I enjoy the church, but I'm still sad about leaving Summit. Even now, I sometimes dream about going back. But then I remember how hard it was to get involved, living 25 miles away, with a toddler that doesn't like to be restrained in a carseat. I remember how hard it was for Matt to invite co-workers ("hey, you want to come to church with me Sunday? Oh, by the way, it's a 30 min drive.") And so I'm reminded why we did it. But then, right after we turned in the official paperwork to join, we sit down for yesterday's sermon.. and it's being preached by the pastor's WIFE! Okay, it's for Mother's Day. It's specifically for women. But it still made Matt and I uncomfortable. How far will the church go to be trendy? I don't want answers or disparaging comments from people. I know this is a hot-button issue and I have facebook friends on all sides of the "fundamental" to "evangelical" spectrum. I'm just being honest about how I feel, and what I'm facing. We prayed before we joined. Matt felt a peace; I felt increasing peace (maybe because Matt is comfortable there and I respect him as my spiritual leader). Everything we've seen from the church so far has been Biblical. They have always been solid on what I consider black and white issues. So, Matt and I determined to pray, to not become automatically judgmental, and continue to trust that God led us to New Life for a reason. We just started volunteering in the nursery, so it's hard to leave now. And I really do want to be able to get involved in a local church... despite that fact, that I've been attending New Life for 9 months and have yet to get involved. Hopefully, soon...
Okay, laundry is calling, so I'm off. Hope everyone who reads this is well!
Saturday, May 7, 2011
First birthday party
Too tired to think tonight so here's just a few pictures from Brooke's party. We all had a great time! Thanks all who came. Brooke is now asleep and I'll be headed that way soon!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
First blog post
I've always wanted to start a blog. It's like a diary online, only the whole world can read my thoughts. I thought I'd blog when I was pregnant with Brooke, but it never happened. Then, after Brooke was born, I thought for sure I would start a blog. Nope. So now, Brooke is a year old and I'm 6 1/2 months pregnant with my second born (to be named Chloe Allison). And I'm starting a blog. And I have no idea what to write about!
My desire is not to have a blog where my whole life appears perfect (it's not.) I want to share my thoughts and be real and be an encouragement to others through my own struggles as a wife and SAH mom. I know I am extremely blessed. I'm so thankful that Matt makes enough money so that I can stay home with Brooke (and soon, Chloe). It was a lifelong dream of mine to be home with my kids, as my mom was for my brother and me. I love staying home, but it comes with its share of struggles. Loneliness, isolation, too much Seseme Street... (yes, I occasionally let my one-year-old watch Seseme Street... so sue me!) I've always been a quiet person, and now that I stay home, I think there is a temptation to totally isolate myself. I have very few "mom" friends, we've recently begun attending a new church (New Life in Conway which is overwhelmingly huge!) and I feel like my life revolves around "nap time." The last thing I want is for Brooke to miss a nap! This week, I was thinking about how fortunate I am to have time during the day to pray for the people God brings in my life, and at the same time, was asking God why He doesn't allow more people in my life so I can pray for them and minister to them. And then it dawned on me: I don't pray enough for the people God HAS brought into my life. So that has been my goal this week. I'm spending time praying for my family and my accountability girls (if any of you girls are reading this... just want you to know, I'm so thankful for you!). And as I pray for them, I want to keep up with them more... and so I isolate myself less.
"Mommy-hood" is definitely, by far, the most wonderfully frustrating job ever. This week has been good; last week was bad; next week... who knows what's in store? This week I'm weaning Brooke from nursing. It's going surprisingly smoothly. Since she was a newborn, she's been nursed to sleep. Over the last 2 months, I've weaned her from all nursings, except before nap/bedtime. And I've dreaded the transition from "nursing to sleep" to "self-soothing" (you Moms know what I'm talking about!) But she's been a trooper about falling asleep on her own. Usually about 20 min of play-fussing, then blessed quiet. I'm down to nursing only before bed... another week or so, DONE! For a couple months anyway. I spent a lot of time stressing about nursing Brooke to sleep over the past year. The experts all say, "Let your baby learn to self-soothe!" But now, looking back, the only thing I regret, is the amount of worry I dealt with. I loved the cuddle-times I got nursing her to sleep, and now I love the free time I get not nursing. So I would do it all over... without stressing. (And I'll get that chance very soon!)
Anyway, I think I hear stirring so naptime must be coming to a close. Must get dinner started!...
My desire is not to have a blog where my whole life appears perfect (it's not.) I want to share my thoughts and be real and be an encouragement to others through my own struggles as a wife and SAH mom. I know I am extremely blessed. I'm so thankful that Matt makes enough money so that I can stay home with Brooke (and soon, Chloe). It was a lifelong dream of mine to be home with my kids, as my mom was for my brother and me. I love staying home, but it comes with its share of struggles. Loneliness, isolation, too much Seseme Street... (yes, I occasionally let my one-year-old watch Seseme Street... so sue me!) I've always been a quiet person, and now that I stay home, I think there is a temptation to totally isolate myself. I have very few "mom" friends, we've recently begun attending a new church (New Life in Conway which is overwhelmingly huge!) and I feel like my life revolves around "nap time." The last thing I want is for Brooke to miss a nap! This week, I was thinking about how fortunate I am to have time during the day to pray for the people God brings in my life, and at the same time, was asking God why He doesn't allow more people in my life so I can pray for them and minister to them. And then it dawned on me: I don't pray enough for the people God HAS brought into my life. So that has been my goal this week. I'm spending time praying for my family and my accountability girls (if any of you girls are reading this... just want you to know, I'm so thankful for you!). And as I pray for them, I want to keep up with them more... and so I isolate myself less.
"Mommy-hood" is definitely, by far, the most wonderfully frustrating job ever. This week has been good; last week was bad; next week... who knows what's in store? This week I'm weaning Brooke from nursing. It's going surprisingly smoothly. Since she was a newborn, she's been nursed to sleep. Over the last 2 months, I've weaned her from all nursings, except before nap/bedtime. And I've dreaded the transition from "nursing to sleep" to "self-soothing" (you Moms know what I'm talking about!) But she's been a trooper about falling asleep on her own. Usually about 20 min of play-fussing, then blessed quiet. I'm down to nursing only before bed... another week or so, DONE! For a couple months anyway. I spent a lot of time stressing about nursing Brooke to sleep over the past year. The experts all say, "Let your baby learn to self-soothe!" But now, looking back, the only thing I regret, is the amount of worry I dealt with. I loved the cuddle-times I got nursing her to sleep, and now I love the free time I get not nursing. So I would do it all over... without stressing. (And I'll get that chance very soon!)
Anyway, I think I hear stirring so naptime must be coming to a close. Must get dinner started!...
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