I started reading another Francis Chan book tonight, called Forgotten God.  I have a love/hate relationship with Francis Chan books. I love them because they are so right; I hate them because they are so convicting. I realize how much I depend on the comforts of modern day civilization and not on God. I hate that about myself! Would I still love God if He took everything, like He did to Job? I'd like to say yes. And, honestly, I don't want to deal with the question, because I don't want to "tempt" God to try this on me. That's real honesty right there. I want the joy that comes from full surrender; I just want to skip the "full surrender" part. The thing is: I know what it means to be surrendered. I lived that way for one (amazing) semester of college. And, yes, it was probably the most wonderful 3 months of my life. Easy? No. But worth every sacrifice. So I want that back but I'm scared. Am I crazy? I think so. Having known intimacy with Jesus, I'm willing to give that up for a comfortable life. Jesus, forgive me for this!

So, obviously, God is working on my heart. Many of my friends know about the difficulties my family faced last month. Health problems, financial issues, and more hit us all in the same month. With Matt sick, I had to be the strong one for awhile. And it stunk! But God had so much grace and brought us through that time. We are healed, our bank account was fixed, and life has returned to normal. Matt and I give thanks to God for a miracle for there is no other explanation to Matt's fast recovery. I never want to take our health and strength for granted again. For 2 scary weeks, I contemplated what life would be like if Matt could not work, could not pick up the kids, etc. I had to rely on God and not Matt. That was difficult; I think I've learned to rely on Matt so much. He's my automatic source of comfort and strength now. I guess that's why Paul commented that singleness can be better than marriage because when you are single, your focus is completely on the Father. As a married woman, my focus is my husband and how to please him.

I still love being a mother to two. For me, the adjustment was much easier than adjusting to one. Maybe because I knew what to expect. Probably because Chloe is such an easy baby. She truly is a joy to raise. She smiles when you look at her and rarely cries. She sleeps well at night and naps on schedule during the day. I remember how paranoid I was when I found out I was pregnant with her and smile, because now I can't imagine life without her.

I've been struggling recently with measuring the "success" of my day by how much I accomplish. If I don't check off all the items on my to-do list for the day, I feel like I failed. Trying to remember that God's to-do list is probably different and definitely better than my own. And if those darn bath toys don't get cleaned until next week, it's not the end of the world, darn it! So often, I compare myself to other women by their statuses on facebook. If I don't keep up with all they manage to do in a day, than I must be a worse wife and mother than they are. Maybe if I'd turn off facebook for a little while, I'd be able to accomplish more. :)

And speaking of, it's late and I need to get up early for church tomorrow. Good night, Friends!