Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep him in perfect peace, him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You."

This is what I keep repeating to myself today. It's been a hard day. Actually it's been a hard week. Life in general is just hard right now. My perfect angel baby has decided to wake up and show her true self. I knew there was no way Matt and I could produce a laid-back off-spring! Okay, she's still a LOT easier than Brooke was. So between the two of them, this is how my week has been. Chloe is fussy in the mornings until she falls asleep at around noon. So I end up spending a lot of that time holding and rocking and nursing her. So Brooke is jealous of all the time I spend with Chloe. So she clings on to my legs and whines and cries. Finally, I'll get Chloe to sleep and lay her down, only to have her wake up and scream (yes, she has a much louder wail than I first thought!) I let her scream awhile so I can spend a few one on one moments with Brooke. Then I pick up Chloe and we start over again. Finally Chloe passes out from exhaustion around noon. Brooke goes to bed around one... but she's been fighting her naps since Chloe came home. It usually takes an hour of fussing and crying for her to pass out. Then I get to run around, pick up the breakfast dishes, shower, fold laundry, etc until Brooke wakes up about an hour and a half later. Chloe is usually passed out the rest of the afternoon. I struggle to wake her up for her feedings. She then goes into a lighter sleep at night time and wakes me up every 2-4 hours to eat. Most of the time she goes back to bed but sometimes I'm up with her an hour or more. So craziness. I'm tired. But I keep repeating to myself that the Proverbs 31 woman has strength and dignity. I WILL keep going; I will not break down (too often!). God is good, and He won't give me more than I can handle. And these early, difficult days will not last forever!

So to end, I want to praise God for the good things that have happened this week. Thank you, God, for all the meals delivered. It saved us a lot of money because I sure would have been sending Matt for take-out! Thank-you for the joy I got watching Brooke put together a puzzle by herself today (it was one of the simple ones with the picture of the puzzle piece underneath the piece, but it still brought me joy to watch how smart she is!). Thank you for "girl time" last night when my neighbor came by to hang out and chat (she has an 8 month old and is pregnant, so we can relate!) Thank you for the sleep I have gotten, and the warm water in the showers that I do get to take, and the cups of sweet tea that make my afternoon just a little better. Thank you for Matt, he's the best husband and father a girl could ask for. And thank you for my 2 beautiful, healthy girls. I love them so much and despite how difficult they are making my life right now, I wouldn't change a thing. You are good, God, and I love you and I trust you to get me through this time.

So, I need to go inform Brooke (who's crying in her crib) that it's nap time now and, no, she's not getting up. For the 4th day in a row. Thanks to all who are praying for me.

Birth story, part 2

My first thought after I had Chloe was, "boy, that baby is small!" After my 9 lb, 8 oz first born, this baby seemed TINY! She was 8 lb, 4 oz, and 19 in long (Brooke was 21 in). She actually fit in newborn clothes! Brooke never once wore a newborn sized outfit. The next thing I remember thinking was that she had such a delicate little cry compared to Brooke's full fledged scream. Don't get me wrong!... Chloe can throw a screaming fit... just not at the same decibel that Brooke did (does).

I tried nursing Chloe right away, and gave it a good attempt for 30 min, but she just couldn't figure out the whole latch on and suck technique. Finally the nursery nurse came and told me they had to take her for awhile to bathe her and such. It was at least an hour before my delivery nurse came in and told me that "Chloe was having a little trouble with her breathing and her blood sugar." Yeah... heart sink to my toes. The nurse went on to tell me that she was grunting a lot and her blood sugar was in the 30s, so the nursery nurses had to give her a bottle of formula. She was "probably" fine but they wanted to observe her for awhile. Not on oxygen and O2 sats just fine. So another hour goes by and finally they bring Chloe back. Her blood sugar levels are now fine but still grunting. Long story short: over the course of the night, they took her back and forth to the nursery for "observation" 3 or 4 times. Finally by morning, they decided that the grunting was just Chloe's little baby noises and nothing to worry about. Her O2 sats were 100% the whole time. So praise God for that... I had myself convinced she had a congenital heart defect (they kept hooking her up to EKG's to make sure everything was okay).

The other stand out from this delivery was the discrepancies about feeding. Chloe basically slept for the first 24 hours of her life. I couldn't get her to nurse. When she finally DID wake up to nurse, I didn't have enough milk (colostrum) to satisfy. So I supplemented with formula through a syringe. The nursery nurses frowned on me because they thought it best to supplement with a bottle (but couldn't tell me why it was best). The lactation nurse frowned on me for supplementing at all ("your milk will not come in well. And besides, your body makes plenty of colostrum to satisfy a newborn"... yeah, right. Tell that to a screaming, rooting Chloe!) Finally, I just told everyone that I had to make my own decisions about what was best for Chloe, and I felt this was best. And my milk DID come in! And she DID finally learn how to latch on and suck. And she regained almost all her birth weight by her 1 week appointment. So I'm glad this time around, I made up my own mind and didn't stress about what everyone around me was instructing me to do.

As for being a mother of two, I love it! I've adjusted much better than I expected. Chloe is an angel, and Brooke loves her. And in the difficult moments (like today when Brooke screamed hysterically about taking a nap), I remind myself that my joy is in the Lord. And that every moment won't be difficult just because this moment is. Thanks for everyone who has prayed for us and supported us as we've been adjusting. I'll write more later... Matt just got home so I'm off to kiss him hello! Bye for now...

Birth story

I love reading about women's birth stories so here was mine (warning--it could get graphic for those with weak stomachs :) )

Last Wednesday, I had my 38 week ob appt. I was 4cm dilated, so the ob stripped my membranes. Not a fun procedure, I found out. (Incidentally, she told me what she was doing AFTER she was done). So my ob tells me I am almost for sure to go into labor in 1-2 days, oh, and by the way, if you want, I can send you to L&D now. Ummmm... yeah. Try to be faced with that decision. Hey, I know you aren't in labor, but you want to have this baby today? I looked at her blankly, and she said, "Why don't you think about it tonight and if you have any uncomfort or cramping tomorrow, just come to the L&D and I'll admit you."  So I had STRONG contractions all night and I was sure I was going to go into labor at any minute. And they all just DISAPPEARED by morning. Talk about disappointing! Matt and I decided to head up to the L&D anyway (heck, why not?), so we got up, showered, dropped Brooke off with my parents, and headed to the hospital. Yeah, so the triage nurse looked at me like I was crazy. No labor, no contractions. Will you admit me? Oh, and the L&D was FULL! So I was stuck in a little holding area, separated from other actively laboring women by a curtain. The nurse checked me and called my ob. I could hear her trying to talk my ob into sending me home. But bless my doc, she told them to admit me! You see, she was leaving on vacation in 2 days and wanted to deliver me before she left. And she knew with me being 4cm dilated, and with my first labor being so fast, that when I did go into labor, I would probably not make it to the hospital in time for my epidural. Call me a wimp, but I'm all about a pain-free labor! Okay, so now the question is, am I willing to have pitocin started and labor behind the thin blue curtain?... or did I want to walk around and wait for a room to open up? I was worried about how Brooke was dealing with being away from me all day, so I told them to start-er-up. Then I sent out texts to my closest friends, telling them I was admitted, and please pray for a room to open up. This is probably the coolest thing God did during my labor experience. Within a few minutes, the nurse came in and told me they had a room! Apparently they were saving the room for a direct admit, but the lady was taking her time getting to the hospital, so they gave her room to me! So into my new room I go. Pitocin is started at 12:30, admission questions are asked, and an hour later, my contractions are KILLING! Dr Holland comes in, breaks my bag of water, and checks me. Yeah, it's been an hour and I'm now 7cm dilated! So they call for anesthesia and I get my epidural. It's smooth sailing from here on out. After another hour, I'm feeling like my butt is going to explode (any woman 10cm dilated with an epidural knows the feeling!) so I call the nurse. She checks me, and sure enough, I'm ready to push. She calls the doc, I push maybe 4 times, and out pops little, SCREAMING, Chloe Allison Schrand. She screamed before her body even exited mine. Healthy little lungs! And speaking of, she's making little squawking sounds now, so I'd better go nurse her before she shows off those little lungs. I'll finish with part 2 later...

Happy 4th of July everyone! You know you are a mother when, instead of enjoying the fireworks everyone is setting off in the neighborhood, you lie in bed and stress that it's going to wake up your kid(s). Fortunately, Brooke slept peacefully through all the "booms" going on around her, and mommy got a good night's sleep too. A blessing this late in pregnancy!

I thought for sure I was going into labor last night. Contractions 8-10 min apart for about an hour. I was so hopeful! Matt was at the theater watching Transformers with his friend Gleb and I almost texted him to come home. It was a good think I didn't because the contractions went away (sigh...)  But, on a positive note, I get to make potato salad and celebrate Independence Day with friends tonight. Love it!

Lots of pain in the lives of many of my friends recently. Lots of prayers being lifted up for all of you. I'm so thankful for the friendships God has brought into my life. God is teaching me so much about prayer and faith. I am not a good "prayer warrior." (Cheesy phrase). I believe God CAN work miracles; I just have a hard time believing He WILL a lot of times. The little prayers ("God, please help Brooke to sleep well tonight"... I believe He will answer those). But the bigger prayers, I go into sometimes with a skeptical heart. I guess because I have seen so much pain and suffering despite praying. But that's where faith comes in. Knowing that God CAN and WILL, but trusting that sometimes our desires are not His best for our lives. Anyway, our pastor preached on this yesterday, and it hit me between the eyes because I had just messaged my accountability group about this very thing! I love when God directs sermons specifically to my heart!

I'm actually really getting excited to meet this little girl inside of me. She's an active one... I think she's as ready to stretch her little legs as I'm ready to get her out of my rib cage! Every time I see a newborn now, I get happy warm fuzzies. Can't wait to hold Chloe in my arms!

Well, Brooke is "uh-uh-uh"-ing in there so I must go get her out of her crib and feed her some breakfast. Everyone stay safe and enjoy!